National Novel Writing Month

I usually dedicate all my writing towards Writerly Words, but I think that NaNoWriMo is also a very personal journey. Of course, all writing is a personal journey, but I feel that sometimes writers don’t want to hear or talk about this. It can make us uncomfortable.

This year instead of writing an actual novel, I’m writing a collection of short stories, or more precisely, short stories that may or may not be related to one another. I just need a good reason and a deadline to pump out these stories. The first one I’ve titled ‘The Brilliance’ which is a story shaping up to be about the process of discovering the passion for writing. I might share these stories, and I might now, but I feel that I should at least talk about them.

In other news of my life, I’m a lot closer to graduate school than I was when I first wanted to apply two years ago. I’ve actually got everything in order to apply. Once I receive my GRE scores, I will be very close to finishing the application, just a few minor things here and there to clear up. I’ve got my letters written (but not edited) and my LoR lined up. I think I can do this, and I think I’ll get in to three schools.

Everything at home is going well, I still need a few sign ups for my Craft of Fiction class to hold it, but I’m doing well. I’ll be turning 26 later this month, and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I’ve got a lot on my plate, but I will pull through, and do well. I know this.

I hope you all have a wonderful week.

Age Does Make A Difference

I have to confess to seeing “Surprise Party,” by Craigery Morgan (view here). And this is sort of where my mind has gone over the last couple of days.

I’ll be the first to admit, this guy is hot. And most of you will agree with me, I think. In a very ‘Drew’ way, I immediately followed him on twitter (and if you are on twitter, I know you are too). Without thought, I posted: “I would like to introduce my new husband to you and himself.” This is very typical of me. If you know me at all you’ll know I have a lot of ‘husbands.’

Craigery is 5-6 years younger than me. So I got to thinking, ‘how has my own life changed in that time?’ I’ve graduated from both Citrus College and The University of New Mexico both in that time frame. I’ve grown tremendously as a person in those years. I’m no longer as shy, no longer as pessimistic, a lot more friendly. Of course I’m currently working on my body (and it’s so unfair that he’s so young with such a great body) and lost weight, managing my diet and eating healthy. Upon looking back upon those years, I realize I’m such a different person, but then again I’m the same. As much as I have change, I haven’t. I’m still a prude, probably more so than I used to be (if that is believable).

I realized that I don’t think I’d marry this young man, though I definitely would ‘sleep’ with him. When I meditated on my chakras I discovered that the only chakra truly thrown off balance by his sudden appearance was my sacral chakra—emotions and sexual desires. I’m not totally throwing the idea out there that I’d never marry him, but I would have to date him for a while first. Or just sleep with him and count myself lucky.

This is probably not exactly the post you were looking for, but I need to express my views to myself, for the most part and admit that I have sexual feelings and desires as much as I try to repress them. This is one of my new goals: admit and embrace myself as a sexual creature.

Target Ain't People

Just saw the video this morning. After watching it, I think it cements my feelings towards large corporations. As hard as they are to avoid. Take a look, and let me know what you think.

My initial thoughts were: they are not going to accomplish anything. Then it was: but they are so right. Corporations should have no say in our electoral processes. We should be ruled by the people (even though we are not a true Democracy, we still elect officials who should have the interests of the people) not by money-hungry institutions.

When we are ruled by such corporations, we lose. Who gets the tax breaks? Who gets the subsidies? Who gets control of the government? Think about these things the next time you shop somewhere. The “little” people get hurt the most. But why are they “little?” Because their employer refuse to pay decent wages.

Support your local small businesses instead.

Eight Month Mark-More or Less

I’ve been in California for about 8 and a half months. Since then, I’ve done quite a bit. This is me trying to remember everything I’ve done.

Stopped worry about money as much as I had in the past.
Reconnected with family in important ways.
Reconnected with friends and made new friends.
Started working on myself: physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Been on a few dates.
Met amazing people!
Traditionally unemployed for the whole time.
Understood freelance, and the difficulties.
Submitted a story for publication.
Learned that ebay can be your friend.
Lost 15 pounds.

Everyday is a journey, and every day holds adventure, even if you don’t leave the house. I’ve tried finding ‘gainful employment’ but have been unable to do so. I see though, that perhaps gainful employment really means shackles to those who pay you and the hours they want you to work. I know that sounds highfalutin and maybe so, but I see friends and family working for money and money only. Money doesn’t buy happiness. It can give you access to things that may make us happy, but only temporary. This quote sums up my feelings:

"To be constantly in want is the very definition of poverty, no matter how large one's house or bank account. By that measure, ours is perhaps the poorest society the world has ever known." - Charles Eisenstein

But life hasn’t be grim. As I suspected the Universe generally cares, and provides for us. I have been very lucky to have family that supports me in my day to day existence. Very lucky, and blessed. I don’t know many people who can say that. I feel like a leech sometimes, but I know that it’s just because I’m starting out, really, for the first time. In New Mexico I had student loans that paid for everything for me. Now I just have my income to pay my bills.

I’ve been working on my body too. In trying to develop other aspects of my person, I’ve noticed that our body defines who we are to a large extent. Our body is how we experience the world and I want my body to be in top shape. Why would I want anything less? The closer we are to our bodies and selves, the less we can lie to ourself.

And I’ve taken the ultimate risk for a writer. I’ve submitted work for more than one publication, unsolicited. In other terms, it’s like trying to sell tupperware to someone who already owns all the styles. So I’ve submitted to one online publisher and two Literary Journals, so I’m excited and at the same time a little frightened. I want to be successful! I had one rejection letter this year, and I’m determined to get get as many as it takes for a yes letter!

I’m trying so hard to make life work, and I think that when we sit back and relax, we realize that life is what we make of it. It is neither hard nor easy, it’s not out to get us, and it doesn’t hand us everything on a silver platter. If we just are life becomes a wonderful thing, beautiful and simple. We’re all playing a game that’s gotten out of hand. I think simple is a good place to start.

What We Learn About Ourselves

Over the last few days I was talking with “Lance” and I must admit he intrigued me. I know almost nothing about him and sometimes knowing nothing can be exciting. Anyways, we originally talked about spiritual things, and I was very happy to talk about that. Not many people are willing to talk about such a deep subject; that’s exactly why he started talking to me.

We exchanged a few emails then finally got around to chatting online. The first time was fairly innocent, with a little hint of what might happen later. We talked for a good hour or so just talking about anything, learning about each other.

I should preface the rest of this: I did not know his name, what he looked like or anything other than that he is 6’5” (which is not much) and what he did tell me I don’t know if it was true or not. Basically he could have been what he said he was, or a creepy old man in a basement somewhere.

The second time we chat I knew it would be different than the first. Instantly things heated up. I’m not talking slowly, either. Very fast. Pretty soon we’re talking on the phone (he’s very private/secretive so not via phone numbers). His voice gave me extreme doubt as to who he said he was. Of course, voices don’t necessarily tell about their owners. Anyways, he whispered the whole time. Then he left for a moment, and I gave up on waiting. I didn’t want to sit there waiting for long. For him it would have been very early in the morning, so I don’t know why he would have not be able to talk continuously. To say nothing, I hung up, and lied, telling him my phone died. It was close, but it did not. I just did not want to wait anymore.

I then sent him an email that more than likely broke his heart, scarred him for life, and probably made him want to go straight. He deleted his profile, effectively burning my bridge making it impossible to talk to him again. Based on the reaction I got, it made me believe he really was who he said he was, and you never meet ‘mystery’ people who are who they say they are. Never, usually some creepy old man in a basement getting his kicks. It happens too often.

I should also mention (in the unlikely event that he reads this) that I have a stalker who would seem to stop at nothing to get a hold of me. I also have friends that would create fake people to mess with other people, including their own friends. And of course, that I have an amazing tendency to hurt myself over men than anyone I know; that is the number one reason I suppose that I don’t allow myself to feel anything. It always turns sour. It may come as a surprise to anyone reading that this is actually fairly lucky for me. Yeah. Oh and I still have a V-card.

I suppose this is a lesson the Universe wanted me to learn. The exact lesson I’m not sure, maybe to be more open, maybe to be more upfront. I have had about 10 chances in my life to grow in this manner. If you’re a new follower you may not understand, if you’re an older follower, you do. I don’t date a lot, mostly because nothing ever happens, and I’m extremely shy. I’ve been on about 4-5 dates my whole life. So perhaps this was a lesson to help me when I encounter the next man (next year, sometime).

In any case, I’ve grown and learned from this experience. Never regret anything, because every choice is precisely the right choice for you path. I regret nothing that I did. I handled the situation as best I could at that very moment, and it was the ‘right’ choice for me at the time. Perhaps I ruined something great, perhaps not. My choices have been chosen, the dice cast, the cards played. The next step now is to move on.

Goals

A couple weeks ago, I decided to step up and create some goals for myself. This is supposed to just be general goals, like New Years Resolutions, but not such a big deal. I wanted to have more direction in my life and get something accomplished: to feel like I’ve done something.

Goal: Write everyday, at least 500 words (in a story).
Progress: Not so good. I have to goal, and it perhaps gets me writing when I otherwise wouldn’t.
New Goal: Write 3 days a week, 1500 words (in a story or stories).
Outlook: Good, brings down the goal to a more reasonable level that I can reach much easier.

Goal: Go to the gym at least 4 times a week.
Progress: Much harder than I thought. Before making this goal that about the amount I went. Doing alright though.
New Goal: Go to the gym at least twice a week.
Outlook: I’ve been going twice a week. This shouldn’t be hard. Since cutting my calories, it’s been a lot harder to go than I anticipated.

Goal: Diet for 15 weeks to lose a total of 30 pounds.
Progress: Excellent. This is the goal I’m working very hard on, and one that I’m holding dearly onto.
New Goal: No new goal.
Outlook: Excellent. I’m on track, and perhaps a touch ahead.

Goal: Perform yoga everyday at least 30 mins.
Progress: Week one was the best week and I did that three times.
New goal: Perform yoga once a week for about 30 mins.
Outlook: May get some getting used to. Should pick a day and stick to it.

Short Term Goals

These are the goals I’ve set deadlines for, like a To Do list, but a bit different. It gives me time to get them done, and maybe more.

Goal: Finish 3 short stories for my MFA application by July 15.
Progress: The stories have been finished, but they need editing. I know what I need to do for each story.
Outlook: Decent. Plans to work on one this evening.

Goal: Study for the GRE (July 22)
Progress: I studied for this test last year a lot, so I don’t feel like I need to do tons of studying, just polish up.
Outlook: I have a least a week to dedicate. If I miss this goal, I still have time.

Goal: Finish up my Creative Writing Series (prep work)
Progress: I have four classes down, and finished. I need to decide what else to cover and then finish those.
Outlook: Should be easy enough to do. Each workshop takes about 2-3 hours to prepare (or so).

I’m sharing my goals so that I have people who can hold me accountable. I’ve had low energy due to the diet that I’m on (as I’m trying to lose a significant amount of weight) and that has been a strain on the amount my brain can handle. It’s not an excuse as much as it is a concession to the limits of my body. As I’ve said before, the body/mind/spirit is all one, not separate pieces. I can no more separate my mind from my body, nor my spirit from either. As my body has less energy to run on, my mind therefore has less energy to run on.

I admit, I’m dieting for vanity as much as health. Who doesn’t want to look good? I know that I’d rather have a flat stomach than a pudgy one. And while I’m dieting for vanity in equal proportions as for health, my health is important to me as well. I believe that inner health deeply affects outward appearance. If we are healthy we look better than if we are unhealthy. So the two are tied together. As I strive towards a healthy life, necessarily my weight must come to a more acceptable level. Many of my friends tell my I’m fine in my weight. I disagree. I’m carrying around about 20-25 extra pounds and that changes the way my body deals with stress and health. I’m at 20-21% body fat. That’s considered overweight (and therefore I fit the American standard), and I’d ideally like to be around 10% which is a lot healthier. I don’t want to be 5% thats still in a healthy range, but not where I’d like to be. /ramble

Goals are goal, and often need to be re-evaluated over their course so that instead of becoming overwhelmed with inability, I can change them so that I can achieve at least part of the original goal. And after time, I can change them to be more strenuous instead of more lenient. Always, the most important goal to me will decide what other goals have to go. Maybe me having goals will help you have goals, or help you. Who knows. Anyways, have a wonderful and safe weekend!

The Dreams We Dream

I’ve decided that I should share some of my dreams with you, my readers. Why? Dreams offer a powerful insight into who we are, and of course, I do dream interpretation. One of my dear friends, Amanda caught me on to the dream scene, and ever since then, I’ve been hooked. I’ve done a few interpretations for friends, but I’m still learning. Maybe this will make sense to you, maybe it will not.

I dreamed that I was talking to two beautiful men, who were cousins. One of them was interested in me off the bat, the older one, though not as pretty. He left for a moment and a girl was going to massage me, but the younger one wanted to, so I let him. The older one came back and became upset that he was massaging me as he knew he wanted to have a conversation with me. I decided that I liked them both and so I set up a small contest to decide, or give me more time (Choose Your Russian). We cleaned their house and it resembled my aunt’s slightly. While the younger one was doing dishes I held on to him from behind. I did this because I accompanied the older one before on a previous task. I cleaned a copper breadbox and had to scrub the copper off my hands after fixing the copper on the box. Both men were upset that I had cleaned, as they both wanted to take care of me. Then housemates came back and I informed them all that they had better keep it clean, and went to the back of the house with three girls who already had kept it clean and they were a little bit upset that I had told them to keep it clean.

My Interpretation:
The men stand for my desire, I am conflicted about my own impulses and deep desires. The ‘fighting’ over me is my own unconscious attempt to decided what I am in favor of: a more hands on approach or a more intellectual approach. My leanings obviously were to the younger, more beautiful man, the more physical of the two. The inability to choose, shows my inherent desire for both. The dishes symbolize my desire to move on from the adolescent stage, but currently I feel stuck (as it is not me that is doing them). The copper bread box signifies my desire to be connected in a safe, sustaining relationship that is warm and personal. That they wanted to take care of me shows my own desire to take care of myself. The girls represent my feminine side feeling conflicted and wounded by the intrusion of the masculine.

I'm Human

I’m human, I’m not ‘perfect.’

If any of you read my last post, you’ll remember that I wanted to discuss why I almost cried on Pride night. I should clarify. I did cry. Just a sniffle here, and an overwhelming sense of sorrow there, but the emotion welled up and I had to release some of that night. Since then, I’ve done my meditation and I’ve acknowledged the emotion and let it go. Still needs some work.

Anyway, I was with my friends for most of the night, and after drinking lots of alcohol (though not enough to push me over to drunk) I found myself coming down off the high, so to speak. There were three parties, the first pool party, then a water slide party, and an after hours dance. It was during the dance where I felt most alone.

The first was a warm up, the second a blast, and the third a let down. I tend to be very shy when I don’t know somebody. Unlike other people, I do know strangers. I had stopped drinking around 1:30/2:00am because that’s when I no longer felt like drinking. In the transfer from water slide park party, I changed and dried myself off, and went to the dance dressed a little nicer.

I remember clearly walking in circles. I would go to the dance floor, watch for a moment, return to a friend’s room to see if any of my friends were there, then go back to the dance floor, drink water, and repeat. At one point, I just sat in a chair near the dancing people to see if anyone would ask me to dance, and no one did. Collectively, I sat for over 35 minutes, and I sat long enough each time to be noticed.

I remember seeing at least two guys I would have danced with, but I felt like I couldn’t. I was too shy, didn’t have enough to drink, whatever the reason, I could not ask either of them to dance. One was by himself, the other with a girl. Early in the night, I would have told either of them to their face that they were attractive. Not so after the buzz ended. Then I noticed a guy following me for a few moments. I immediately moved faster and out of his sight. I didn’t want to talk to him. I don’t know why, all I remember is that he was thinner with blonde hair, and I wasn’t attracted from what I saw.

So what does this all mean? Over the last week, I haven’t thought anything of it until now. What makes me this way? I know that normally, I would not talk to them either. I’ve only hit on one guy sober, and that didn’t turn out well at all. I’ve been thinking and I’ve had more than one person tell me that I seem unapproachable or intimidating. I don’t think I am at all.

I rarely get hit on, and if I do, I generally don’t realize it. Oftentimes, when I do realize it, I am utterly repulsed. I don’t like it when people hit on me, unless I want them too. Perhaps that is why I don’t hit on other people, assuming it is the same with them. So here I am, looking lost, expecting someone I like to come up to me and hit on me. That never happens, and somehow I’ll have to change my mindset. Maybe I’ll have to be less intimidating. Or, how I see, more attractive. Going for more attractive seems easier. That way even if I am intimidating, the attraction factor will push them to talk to me anyway.

Or maybe my brain is fried and I make no sense. I am human, after all.

Vacations Can Offer Much More

As many of you are aware, I went on vacation this past week. One of the reasons why I decided not to tweet a lot. On a ‘normal’ vacation I think I’d tweet or be online more or even get some things done. The fact of this vacation was that I worked. I helped put together a pride parade float,etc with an organization that I used to volunteer for when I lived out there in NM. I wanted to do this, I missed the sense of community and place that I’ve been craving out here. There just is no gay community where I live. I wanted that sense again.

As with any community there is ‘drama’ and this place is no exception. I found during my time that I did not miss the drama, the constant slight jabs. It was during the parade itself we were a true group, operating at full capacity and drama-free. My last night, as I lay in bed, I knew that I’d miss it, but at the same time it was something I would no longer want. I satisfied my community desire, and I know I can have it here if I want. I’m glad for my time, and I certainly learned a lot.

Now, as for other parts of my vacation, I should clarify a status update from Saturday. I almost lost it. Watching everyone having fun, and feeling like I did not belong anymore left me to the point of tears. I won’t go into all the details during this post. That will be addressed more fully on my next. I had a lot to drink, though I was not drunk that evening, alcohol tends to bring me down when I come down.

The time I spent outside volunteer work, I spent mostly with people I know. There are always people you know that you kinda don’t want to. I learned on this past visit who I want to know and who I don’t. I won’t go into any details, but sometimes ‘friends’ should really just be acquaintances. I don’t know how other people feel, but for a lot of my group activities I felt out of place, and excluded from conversations. The group would ‘circle’ up as we natural do while talking, and I found myself outside the circle more often than not. I think it was a conscious part of some peoples part and not on others.

I learned a lot about myself on this short trip, and I learned lessons that I left behind, unlearned. Now that I’m home, I have a lot of thinking to do and organization of thoughts. I’m going to post some of these down in the next week or so and hopefully through setting them down, I’ll be better able to grow from these experiences.

While I’m thinking about it, I’m almost 100% positive the universe directed me to take this vacation to help me learn from my past and to finish up lessons I’d left behind or was unable to learn anywhere else. And I think I’ve begun to learn and understand some of the lessons. Maybe after another 10 times I’ll get it!

Just a Rambling

This is just going to be a rambling, shambling mess. I’m not going to make any pretenses about this blog. Hooray!

I’ve been feeling a bit down today, and if you know me in person now, you know I’m a pretty happy person. If you knew me in the past, you know I’m never happy. I’d like to think I’m a lot better off emotionally than I was a few years ago. Of course I still have my issues, and I know it.

Number one major issue is body image. Most of the time, I’m okay. I know I’m not a perfect physical specimen nor do I have the ‘best’ haircut or whatever. Then somedays I feel like a giant whale pretending to be human. I know I can never feel 100% happy right now. I’m working out, I’m working on being where I feel more comfortable. I’m just not there yet.

I’ve been dealing with body issues for several years, and I go up and down. I’m up when I feel like I’m checked out, down the next day. On top of body insecurities, I’m also dealing with intellectual insecurities. I’m very insecure in my self. I suppose it’s the intense rejection I’ve encountered from family about my sexual identity.

I’ve been on a journey the last few months to really build myself up, and accept myself for who I am. Who I’d like to be keeps creeping in and telling me I’m worthless now, and I should try harder. For Valentine’s Day I gave myself chocolates and flowers, a card and a stuffed animal. I’ve never felt self love like that. I didn’t spend a lot of money, but I wanted to show love for me. And it worked for a week.

I suppose that diet has a huge effect on my mood. If I eat enough, I’m happy, if I don’t I’m not. But I’m trying to lose weight so that I don’t have to later in life. I’ve been dieting for about three weeks (as in lower calories) and it’s hard. I know it’s hard and I wasn’t happy to do it again, but to be healthier I need to lose the weight.

I’ve decided for now, just to focus on cutting calories, and eating relatively healthy, when I’m where I’d like to be, I’m going to eventually cut sugar, gluten, and most dairy from my diet for health reasons.

Okay, I feel better now. Writing lets me do that. Focus on the emotions I’m feeling, work through them, and then let them go when I know why they are there. I’ve had a few outside events that put my down a bit, but I’m trying not to let events influence my emotions of state of mind. Everything is a lesson learned and some lessons will get crammed down our throats. I just hope the lessons I have to learn I can realize it earlier on. Take care, peace to you, and have a wonderful, wonderful weekend!

My Writing Resolution and an MFA Update

I’ve been doing a lot lately in the writing department. I’ve been researching schools to go for my MFA in Creative Writing with a goal of attending in Fall 2011. I’m hoping against hopes that I’ll at least get into one school, and I’ll be applying to at least 12. It’s harder to get into an MFA program than Harvard Med School, and the competition is fierce. But I have my hopes that I can make it, and get into a great school with great financial aid.

All of you writers you know it is not a easy task to write. Like anything else it takes practice a determination. I’ve been writing since I was in the 8th grade (creatively at least), and in the writing community that’s a long time. I may have to post some snippets of my first creative work so you can all laugh and feel better! LIke any task, I find so much else to do to avoid writing. I’ll clean, cook, read a history book, etc if I really want to avoid it. But once I sit down and do it, and it’s not so bad. I like to think of writing in terms of the way I go to the gym. I may not want to go, but I’ll feel better if I do.

Writing lets a lot of emotions out, and it lets me explore myself, explore the world around me, and explore all the wonderful stories flowing into me, pooling and ready to pour out. I don’t always have an easy time of writing, but after taking two years at the University of New Mexico with intensive writing classes, I’ve found out that you get better and better. And I’ve got the discipline to sit down and write, just like I discovered I can go to the gym and enjoy it and feel better about myself and my body.

I’ve recently decided that my daily writing goal is about 1,000 words. And like the gym I can skip a day here and there, but for the most part, I’d like to write that many words. It’s actually a small amount, but the more I write, the more material I have. I read a great article in Poets & Writers recently by Benjamin Percy, a man who teaches and writes. He said (in so many words) the more words you have the less bad you feel about getting rid of them, as you’ll always have more. I think I’m adopting this stance. Since my goal usually takes between an hour and two hours, I feel that is really no time at all, considering I spend up to two hours at the gym.

Writing is also about reading. I’ve read 95/200 books that I own. Out of the 105 left, 34 I’ve cracked open and read some part, and 62 I’ve just looked at. That’s quite a few books! Reading as a writer is a lesson I learned, and promptly forgot. I think my first fiction teacher had it right. You read once for pleasure and then once with a critical eye, trying to learn as much from the writer as you can. I find it hard enough to read through the first time! But I’ve got a lot of material that I need to read through, and I’m hoping that as I read more and more, my writing will get better and better.

I’ve got a few good friends that say I write well. In fact they say I write wonderfully. I know they are being kind, and it is terrific to have friends that enjoy my writing. Of course, I don’t think I write well and with my postivie friends I’ve found it difficult to really get good feedback. Even in my undergrad classes, I only had about five students give my good critical feedback. My instructors often gave me the best. “Do you need that word there? This doesn’t work at all, try this.” etc. I think the best compliment I’ve received on my writing is from my one-on-one mentorship with a graduate student of UNM’s MFA program who told me I was ready for MFA work. Sometimes its so hard to the see the beauty in our own work other than the flaws, and yet I strive to be better. My friends remind my of that beauty, even as I work to make a statue of David.

The Creature

Note: This is adapted from my original post here.

April 26, 2006

I think today I'm going to talk about annoying people.

Yes. You know them. They are the plague to your existence. I have several of these people in my life. Fortunately, for me and for them, I have a very high tolerance for annoyance. But there are time where I will lash out in all directions.

At work, I tend to mind my own business about work related things. I get done what I need to get done. I work at a grocery store called Stater Brothers Markets, commonly referred to as Stater Bros. by the general public and as Slaver Bros. by the employees.

There happens to be a woman at my work who is in her mid to late 30's maybe even early forties. She is the Creature. A spawn of Satan, at least at work. Her appearance is deceiving, she looks very matronly/grandmotherly, but she is no ordinary mother. She is the evil part of every mother, the one who nags constantly and charges around ordering you about. In this she is like a mother, in all else, well there is no name for her but the Creature.

The Creature stands around 5’5”, rather large around the middle, and it slumps forward sticking its paunch out, and its arms hang limply at its sides. The hair of the Creature hangs bushily around its chunky face, the dirt-blonde hair streaked with aged-gray. Its voice sounds harsh and breathy, lingering in the air like nighttime noise. It wears a green vest that stretches across its distended abdomen. Under this vest it wears a clean white shirt, contrasting the Creature's true identity. Around its legs it wears black pants that hang loosely near the ankle and strains over its middle. And the eyes shine brightly inside sacs of fat and stare, deceivingly into the world. A foe to constantly deal with. It only conceives of its own worth, and how to push those around it to the ground. There are few who like the Creature. Those few have been deceived with its matron façade, and these few refuse to believe what the Creature really is. The High Bitch of the Front End.

She can be overwhelming in her desire to gain customer satisfaction, yet many customers do not like her overly friendly way. The can see to the heart of the matter, that the Creature lies within willing flesh. She dissembles her true form from all. She is vindictive and vile. I try to stand against her, but in my position there is little that I can do but hide behind the strength of others.

That said, I'll be helping customers or putting things away or what-not, and the minute I'm out of the Creatures sight, it freaks out, desperately seeking to have me run to the front of the store, presumably to work. The minute I reach the front she covers her loathsome personality with a false cheerfulness and pleasantness. And I discover that there is nothing to do. All is empty.

Just the other day I refused to bend to her will and she gave me the message: "The game is over." Good thing I'm not in a video game! Otherwise I'd have to load from a save, and do it all over again, maybe gain some levels.

To many of you that know me, or may not know me, it takes a lot to get me outward angry. The creature can invoke such feelings in less than 10 minutes on the clock. Can't I use the restroom in peace? Can't I help a customer without being harassed? Can't I even finish something without being called on? The answer to all these questions is a resounding no.

The Creature smiles in satisfaction, watching with is beady eyes waiting for the right moment to cause utter feelings of hatred. One of the many Spawns found across American workplaces large and small. And perhaps one day the Creatures of America will vanish, along with all the other Spawn. Who am I kidding? There will just be more ready to take there place in such a situation.

The Sandwich

Note: This is adapted from my original post here.

April 28, 2006

I was hungry at work. That’s basically how it goes everyday: it’s almost lunch time and the stomach tells the brain that its time to eat, again. Damn that stomach, always telling us to eat when we can’t! I want to have a sandwich so I grab the nearest piece of paper (which happens to be an index card) and steal a nearby pen and rush off to the Service Deli at my store.

I stare hard at the lumps of pre-formed meats and cheeses, ignoring the various limp and brown salads that can't hold my attention any day of the week. The harsh florescent light makes me salivate as I try to decide what I want on my precious lunch. I spot a new cheese (on sale!) a nice, light swiss. I spot brown sugar ham, sweet and substantial. I filter through my brain, a list of veggies that would work. Tomato, of course, and avocado (it’s a Californian thing). Next I pick lettuce, adding it to my list. Then comes the cucumber, and red onions. And of course some cream cheese. No mayo or mustard, disgusting. All my condiments chosen I spot a yummy wheat bread and I bring it and my list to the Deli manager and charge her with forging my sandwich, before 10. She confirms it will be ready at the appointed time, with a smile.

Rarely does anything happen at my work on time, or any work for that matter. I am no exception to this ‘rule’. I was ready to run to my car and consume my sandwich, but as work was to be done I didn't get to leave until 10:30, after my appointed date with delicious food.

I arrive home and open my bag. I stare at the sandwich. It stares back. This thing is huge! It has to be the worlds largest meant-to-be-eaten sandwich. I dub my opponent the Sandwich to Rule Them All. It's at least 8 inches long (stop the jokes already) and over 2 1/2 inches thick (ok I guess I had them coming). This sandwich could feed a family of four! But I decide to tackle it nonetheless.

I sat down and studied my prey. It was intimidating. I quickly assessed what I had going for lubrication to get it down. Avocado was abundant, tomato helped. Too bad I hadn't gotten mayo, but the fat *sigh*. I poured my self a glass of creamy chocolate milk. I pulled out a bag of crunchy cheese curls and reassessed my situation. I knew I could handle this.

I took the first bite. It was delicious. The first half was easy to eat. It squashed well, and I had no problem. The second half would make any snake proud. I could barely fit my mouth halfway over the sandwich. It was a tough situation I was in. How could I be beaten by the sandwich? There was no way I was going down without a fight!

I squished the avocado down and forcefully pressed the sandwich down as far as it would go. I had minimal luck. I could almost get it in my mouth. I continued to wear it down, bite after bite. Soon enough my plan was working! I could actually fit a small corner of it into my mouth! I rejoiced! It had size still on its side however. I couldn't possible eat the whole thing, or could I?

After wrestling with it for a few more minutes, I regarded the small bit left. Noting its great reduction in size I triumphed at my accomplishment. Too full to consider another bite I placed the left over bit in a bag. Though about 1/3 was left it could still be considered an entire meal. It was time to take a break, such a worthy opponent can make one weary. I sat happily down and thus write the story of the Sandwich. Even though it beat me in the first battle, I knew I would win the war.

Creative Workshop

Tonight I hosted my very first creative writing workshop. I have been doing creative writing since 8th grade, and in the last few years I’ve been in high gear due to enrolling at the University of New Mexico for a degree in English. I’ve never taught a class before in my life. I’ve tutored before, but in math, which is much different than writing.

I struggled to prepare the material for the class, unsure of what would work and what wouldn’t work. I fretted here and there, thinking. In the end, I had to sit down over the last two days and just look through stuff. Which of course did not help. I finally made an outline of what I wanted to do, and jotted down some notes, and a few excerpts that I wanted to read from stories to give an idea of what we’d be working on.

It turned out that I didn’t need to plan as much as I did. The outline was wonderful and proved so useful to return to. It gave a nice flow, and a goal. But I didn’t follow it exactly or perfectly. I let the class flow as it would and made sure to involve everyone in the class as best I could.

Everyone in attendance said it was wonderful and they learned something. I did not feel nervous during the whole time; I just wanted to have fun, and hopefully everyone else would too. I’m truly flattered and astounded that the people involved loved it, appreciated it, and learned something. That makes it worthwhile.

I deal with my insecurities by seeking out positive attention, which usually doesn’t work for long. I’m hoping this boost will last some time, and impact my life in a meaningful way. Feeling good, appreciated, and useful is something I don’t experience enough. I’m glad I had this opportunity to teach. Wonderful, smooth, fun experience, and I hope each time I do a workshop it turns out as well or better. Thank you to all who came!

Mother's Day Dedication

Mother’s Day is often a time when we give thanks to those women in our lives that mean so much to us. I think this is a wonderful tradition, but sadly we should appreciate everyone in our lives more fully, everyday. I did a wonderful dedication a few years back, and it’s time I appreciate again!

I’d like to thank my mom first and foremost. The top reason being that she gave birth to me, so without her, well, I wouldn’t be. I’d also like to say thank you very much for helping me out with school, and sending little things every now and then. I love you!

Next, I’d like to thank my step-mom. Living with my dad most of my life, it was nice to have a mother figure too. Marilin has been there for me, and in recent years we’ve gotten along better. Thank you for helping me out with school too! Love you lots.

Thank you to my grandma that I live with. Thanks for letting me live here again, after I got done with school and still can’t find anything. You are generous, and I love you very much.

Aunt Joy, thank you! I really appreciated you very much my first year in college with your thoughtful notes, and the extra money to buy TP. I know you struggle, and that made me appreciate your gesture more.

Thank you Aunt Lois, I don’t get to spend I lot of time with you, but I want you to know I love you dearly. I hope that we get to spend some time together soon, because I haven’t seen you in a long time. Thank you for everything.

Thank you Grandma Green for inviting me to be a part of the family. I appreciate your warmth, and delicious bread. :)

Gram Langley, thank you for taking me in, too, and treating me as family. You live far away, but every once in a while I think of you and wish you the best. Thank you again.

Nana, I love you! Sorry I missed your birthday this year. I love you a lot, and hope that I get to see you again soon. Even though we may not agree on everything, I still love you.

Last, I’d like to thank Vicki, may you rest in peace. You meant a lot to me, and your kindness lives on in those you’ve touched. I miss you and I know that you are in a better place. Thank you.

Open Mic

Last week, on April 24th, I hosted an Open Mic at the Village Book Shop in Glendora. I was surprised at the turnout. We had about 6 people come, and for a first time event, that was wonderful! Sadly, I was the only one to read, but my audience was quite wonderful, and loved my story, Agatha’s Soup, which is currently being processed by www.everydayfiction.com. Everyone at the reading said it was good, so I’m pleased by that. I’m glad I brought something to read! Anyways, I felt for a first event, it went well.

Before doing the open mic, I was on KSGV talk radio for a show! I was interviewed about writing. You can listen to the broadcast here Shelf Talker. The listen button may not work, so if you’d like, you can download the program and listen to it from your computer. The file is about 41MB. Please check it out!

For more about me, or events that I may be doing, add me on twitter, @snowppl or check out my website www.snowppl.com.

Life for Life

I once knew a vegan man, who insisted he ate the way he ate to protect the pain animals experience. He didn’t want to eat something that he could identify with: animals. Plants on the other hand feel so genuinely alien to us. And that leads me to ask, do plants experience pain? We eat life, or what once lived, excepting a few things.

Almost everything considered life kills and eats others for survival. Cows eat grass (but mostly corn now-a-days), wolves eat deer, chickens, etc. To live, means something else has to die. Native American cultures knew this (as we do, but ignore), yet they put different emphasis particularly acknowledging that a plant or animal died so they might live. That is the key difference. We go to the supermarket, and don’t put much thought on the life we eat to live.

I’m not advocating starvation! Far from it, but it is a worthwhile pursuit to think of where and how the food we eat ends up on our plates and in our stomaches. Acknowledge that your nutrition comes from something that once lived, and perhaps lived in the prime of its life, whether vegetable, meat, or fruit.

Not all food has at one time lived. Milk hasn’t lived per se, but offers life to calves. Cheese lives (based on the bacteria cultures). Fruits were alive at one point but don’t kill the plant, it’s like eating eggs in a way, excepting the seed is the “yolk” and the fruit the “egg white.” Many vegetables are like fruit-the new “baby” plants. However both fruits and vegetables once lived, and are now not.

What does it all mean? The next time you sit down to eat something, know that you eat something that lived, or had the potential to live and grow and truly be grateful that you get to eat, that you are not on the plate. This will empower to choose better foods, healthier options, and to experience nature everyday.

Everyday Beauty

I have a fun exercise for anyone who reads my blog. Don’t worry you won’t be embarrassed or anything. Here is a nice poem I wrote to help get us into the mood.

Everyday things, what are you?
The cell phone that rings,
The jeans that you wear?
The pullover sweater,
Or the pen in your hand?
Is it the water bottle you drink from?
The notebook you write in?
Perhaps the humming computer, whirring away.
The plate that holds your food
And the spoon that you use?
Or the table that holds your life together?
A stone on the sidewalk you see passing?
The streetlight or freeway you drive?
Everyday things, everyday places
All around us, all are unnoticed.

Take a moment to really notice what is around you. Here is the exercise you can perform to ground yourself to the here and now. Pick up or find any object you have near you, a pen, pencil, piece of paper, book, cell phone, mouse, anything near you.

Take the object and look at it as if seeing it for the first time, and having no idea what it is or what it is for. What does it look like? How does it feel? Touch the object. Is it rough, smooth, sticky? Does it have any particular fragrance? Spend some time touching, feeling, experiencing what you hold.

Now, try going outside in nature, your back yard, a nearby park, etc, and do the same thing with something natural, a tree, flower, grass, a stone, a brook, or dirt. Anything. Experience what it is, don’t judge it, don’t hold any thoughts but the present moment of nature that surrounds you.

What do you call this? Stopping to smell the roses would work but that’s a tired cliché. Whenever your stressed try this out, when you feel like you need a moment away from the “real” world, experience nature. If your a writer this exercise is invaluable, for you can experience the everyday ordinary as something extraordinary and let your creative mind roam free.

Nature be with you!

PS If you know me, you may have heard me tell you to do this before. :)

Spirituality

Have any of you read books about spirituality or listened to anyone talk about it? A lot of talk about the subject leads to head-ism: thinking with the head. This mode of thought shadows the true experience of the divine and wonder all around us. Wait, what? Follow me for a moment, and I hope I can help you see differently.

We’re all physical creatures, since I don’t see any floating heads. We have arms, legs, hands, and feet. We’re not just heads, and a lot of the spiritual information out there deals with problems of the body and how thoughts can make them go away. Prayers are also used to deal with body issues such as disease. But we are going it around the wrong way.

Newsflash! Your body is your mind. Every inch of your body is part of your mind. Your left toe is part of your mind. Yes, that means we think with our pussies and dicks, because they are part of us and all our body is part of our mind. Mental detachment from the body is not a good thing. This may sound ridiculous and ‘out there,’ but think for a moment. How do you experience life but through the body? Sure the brain is important, but no more important than any other part of you. Disease of the mind affects the body, and disease of the body affects the mind.

There is also a connection between the mind and spirituality/religion. Many think that to experience the spiritual and divine, you must deny the body, the impure. Using one’s mind, one could achieve the ultimate experience of divine.

Let’s take a look at Christian Ascetics. The teaching of many ascetics (including other faiths) expound upon the values of self-denial in favor of becoming spiritual. This includes fasting, restraining from activities that one takes pleasure in, and leaving society. But what does this do to the body? Deny the body and you deny your mind, and thus denying the body/mind you deny the spiritual nature we are.

Open your eyes to the world around you. Touch nature, and you touch the divine. No matter your personal beliefs, it is so easy to appreciate nature. Nature is now being scientifically studied on its effects on people. Nature is divine, and it can heal. Religion’s task is to bring us to the divine, but the divine is all around us. Our bodies are divine, plants, rocks, dead leaves: everything is divine. Look at Native American beliefs, and you see this word-view as well. Rocks don’t have spirits, you say. Rocks are spirits. Now think: we don’t have souls, we are souls. Bringing us back to the body/mind, we just add soul. We are body/mind/soul all in one, not separate at all.

Reading recently about psychic talents, I came to a stumble upon my idea. While some of the exercises stated make sense, there is the tendency to ignore the body in favor of the brain/mind. I call bullshit. Chakra meditation has lead me to understand that my brain is the most overactive part of me, leading me to neglect my body as a whole. I know that after I’ve begun working on balance, I’ve noticed I’ve been healthier. I’ve noticed the world around me is more magical and wonderful without my brain over-thinking. Meditation certainly brings everything back into perspective for me.

We are all physical beings, not brains, not soul waiting to move on. Think about the miracle it is to walk, breathe, run, laugh, talk. We do most of those naturally (talking being less natural) using our body that is our mind. I know I don’t think “Left leg, move.” It just moves when I want it to. I don’t have to consciously think about it. That is how life should be, easy, flowing and beautiful.

So how does this relate to spirituality? Whenever you do anything spiritual, whether it is with God, Allah, Shiva, etc, it isn’t about your head, its about everything. For to look at the world around you, the natural beauty of life, you begin to see that divinity not in our heads, it’s everywhere around us, including our left toes.

Track Record

I don't have the best track record of updating my blog. It gets lost in the myriad events of online stuff that happens everyday, and I just don't think about it.

With all the technology we have today, you'd think it'd be easy right? I think at some points I become over saturated with writing about my life. I use twitter and I write in my journal. That doesn't leave a lot of time, energy, or (much needed) details, left for blogging.

It all comes down to decisions. Do I want to just use my blog as a diary? I don't think I'm quite ready for that to happen just yet. I don't mind sharing some details, but for the really dirt, I hold back just enough. Some thoughts are better left unpublished.

Anyways, since I can now, I'll give a brief update. I had a really great couple of weeks, due to www.breaktheillusion.com (Davey Wavey) who inspires me to think the best of any situation. He's a truly great person, and I'm glad that we've "met" online. Another great, funny guy who makes me think is http://www.youtube.com/user/JonJonJonnyo. In short, I've had nothing but beautiful things happen in the last few weeks from everything to sleeping better, eating better, and generally being happy. I can't stop myself anymore from enjoying life. Smile!

Positive thinking: try it today!

Losing A Beloved Friend

My heart will never be the same, for reciprocal love an animal gives is like no other. We grew together from a young age, and it grieves me that she is no longer here. I got her as a present when I was in the second grade, and I wanted a kitty. I wanted another one, but my dad persuaded me to chose her, the runt of the litters, the most beautiful little kitten in the world.

Who could know this tiny little ball of fluff could claw her way into my heart so fast. I loved that little kitty so much, and she was such a little devil! When she was old enough she would eat little baby birds out of the nest, and feel proud at doing so.

She was like my little baby. I was very young at the time I go her, and I remember clearly that I was to take care of her, good or bad. I know she frustrated me at times, and I'm sure I made her mad more than once, but I know she loved me in a cat way, and I loved her back.

I have to tell this funny story of her from a few years ago. I always had her sleeping in my room at night, and she slept in her own little cubby hole by the window near the head of my bed. She liked it there and at the foot of the bed of course. One night, I woke up and I saw her sleeping next to my head, and I turned over to pet her, and she got all pissy with me for knowing she cared.

I told her things I never told anyone else, I knew she could keep a secret for some extra crunches. I could share anything and she wouldn't care one way or another; she'd just listen to what I'd have to say. In my deepest pain she gave me comfort and let me know it was all just a game she played. In my brightest moments I made her celebrate with me whether or not she wanted to.

I know it sounds silly, loving an animal as much as this, but when they've been your friend for 16 years (or so) and you cannot recall a moment in your life without them, it makes them so much harder to lose. Pets are not people, but we love them just the same because they bring so much joy to lives and so much happiness (and a big pet bill). Never are they perfect, nor are we, but they forgive us our imperfections as they can. I know I have lived for the better because of her, my queen, my baby, my Jasmine. You will always hold a huge portion of my heart in your sharp little talons, you great furry beast. I love you and I miss you. May we meet again.