03 June 2010

Just a Rambling

This is just going to be a rambling, shambling mess. I’m not going to make any pretenses about this blog. Hooray!

I’ve been feeling a bit down today, and if you know me in person now, you know I’m a pretty happy person. If you knew me in the past, you know I’m never happy. I’d like to think I’m a lot better off emotionally than I was a few years ago. Of course I still have my issues, and I know it.

Number one major issue is body image. Most of the time, I’m okay. I know I’m not a perfect physical specimen nor do I have the ‘best’ haircut or whatever. Then somedays I feel like a giant whale pretending to be human. I know I can never feel 100% happy right now. I’m working out, I’m working on being where I feel more comfortable. I’m just not there yet.

I’ve been dealing with body issues for several years, and I go up and down. I’m up when I feel like I’m checked out, down the next day. On top of body insecurities, I’m also dealing with intellectual insecurities. I’m very insecure in my self. I suppose it’s the intense rejection I’ve encountered from family about my sexual identity.

I’ve been on a journey the last few months to really build myself up, and accept myself for who I am. Who I’d like to be keeps creeping in and telling me I’m worthless now, and I should try harder. For Valentine’s Day I gave myself chocolates and flowers, a card and a stuffed animal. I’ve never felt self love like that. I didn’t spend a lot of money, but I wanted to show love for me. And it worked for a week.

I suppose that diet has a huge effect on my mood. If I eat enough, I’m happy, if I don’t I’m not. But I’m trying to lose weight so that I don’t have to later in life. I’ve been dieting for about three weeks (as in lower calories) and it’s hard. I know it’s hard and I wasn’t happy to do it again, but to be healthier I need to lose the weight.

I’ve decided for now, just to focus on cutting calories, and eating relatively healthy, when I’m where I’d like to be, I’m going to eventually cut sugar, gluten, and most dairy from my diet for health reasons.

Okay, I feel better now. Writing lets me do that. Focus on the emotions I’m feeling, work through them, and then let them go when I know why they are there. I’ve had a few outside events that put my down a bit, but I’m trying not to let events influence my emotions of state of mind. Everything is a lesson learned and some lessons will get crammed down our throats. I just hope the lessons I have to learn I can realize it earlier on. Take care, peace to you, and have a wonderful, wonderful weekend!

2 comments:

Branli said...

You're an amazing person. I'm so glad that i have an amazing friend like you in my life. I love you just the way you are, buddy. :-)

JJ said...

I must agree with Branli on this one; you're an amazing person, friend, writer, speaker, etc. Thanks for sharing your mind with us!