28 July 2010

What We Learn About Ourselves

Over the last few days I was talking with “Lance” and I must admit he intrigued me. I know almost nothing about him and sometimes knowing nothing can be exciting. Anyways, we originally talked about spiritual things, and I was very happy to talk about that. Not many people are willing to talk about such a deep subject; that’s exactly why he started talking to me.

We exchanged a few emails then finally got around to chatting online. The first time was fairly innocent, with a little hint of what might happen later. We talked for a good hour or so just talking about anything, learning about each other.

I should preface the rest of this: I did not know his name, what he looked like or anything other than that he is 6’5” (which is not much) and what he did tell me I don’t know if it was true or not. Basically he could have been what he said he was, or a creepy old man in a basement somewhere.

The second time we chat I knew it would be different than the first. Instantly things heated up. I’m not talking slowly, either. Very fast. Pretty soon we’re talking on the phone (he’s very private/secretive so not via phone numbers). His voice gave me extreme doubt as to who he said he was. Of course, voices don’t necessarily tell about their owners. Anyways, he whispered the whole time. Then he left for a moment, and I gave up on waiting. I didn’t want to sit there waiting for long. For him it would have been very early in the morning, so I don’t know why he would have not be able to talk continuously. To say nothing, I hung up, and lied, telling him my phone died. It was close, but it did not. I just did not want to wait anymore.

I then sent him an email that more than likely broke his heart, scarred him for life, and probably made him want to go straight. He deleted his profile, effectively burning my bridge making it impossible to talk to him again. Based on the reaction I got, it made me believe he really was who he said he was, and you never meet ‘mystery’ people who are who they say they are. Never, usually some creepy old man in a basement getting his kicks. It happens too often.

I should also mention (in the unlikely event that he reads this) that I have a stalker who would seem to stop at nothing to get a hold of me. I also have friends that would create fake people to mess with other people, including their own friends. And of course, that I have an amazing tendency to hurt myself over men than anyone I know; that is the number one reason I suppose that I don’t allow myself to feel anything. It always turns sour. It may come as a surprise to anyone reading that this is actually fairly lucky for me. Yeah. Oh and I still have a V-card.

I suppose this is a lesson the Universe wanted me to learn. The exact lesson I’m not sure, maybe to be more open, maybe to be more upfront. I have had about 10 chances in my life to grow in this manner. If you’re a new follower you may not understand, if you’re an older follower, you do. I don’t date a lot, mostly because nothing ever happens, and I’m extremely shy. I’ve been on about 4-5 dates my whole life. So perhaps this was a lesson to help me when I encounter the next man (next year, sometime).

In any case, I’ve grown and learned from this experience. Never regret anything, because every choice is precisely the right choice for you path. I regret nothing that I did. I handled the situation as best I could at that very moment, and it was the ‘right’ choice for me at the time. Perhaps I ruined something great, perhaps not. My choices have been chosen, the dice cast, the cards played. The next step now is to move on.

08 July 2010


A couple weeks ago, I decided to step up and create some goals for myself. This is supposed to just be general goals, like New Years Resolutions, but not such a big deal. I wanted to have more direction in my life and get something accomplished: to feel like I’ve done something.

Goal: Write everyday, at least 500 words (in a story).
Progress: Not so good. I have to goal, and it perhaps gets me writing when I otherwise wouldn’t.
New Goal: Write 3 days a week, 1500 words (in a story or stories).
Outlook: Good, brings down the goal to a more reasonable level that I can reach much easier.

Goal: Go to the gym at least 4 times a week.
Progress: Much harder than I thought. Before making this goal that about the amount I went. Doing alright though.
New Goal: Go to the gym at least twice a week.
Outlook: I’ve been going twice a week. This shouldn’t be hard. Since cutting my calories, it’s been a lot harder to go than I anticipated.

Goal: Diet for 15 weeks to lose a total of 30 pounds.
Progress: Excellent. This is the goal I’m working very hard on, and one that I’m holding dearly onto.
New Goal: No new goal.
Outlook: Excellent. I’m on track, and perhaps a touch ahead.

Goal: Perform yoga everyday at least 30 mins.
Progress: Week one was the best week and I did that three times.
New goal: Perform yoga once a week for about 30 mins.
Outlook: May get some getting used to. Should pick a day and stick to it.

Short Term Goals

These are the goals I’ve set deadlines for, like a To Do list, but a bit different. It gives me time to get them done, and maybe more.

Goal: Finish 3 short stories for my MFA application by July 15.
Progress: The stories have been finished, but they need editing. I know what I need to do for each story.
Outlook: Decent. Plans to work on one this evening.

Goal: Study for the GRE (July 22)
Progress: I studied for this test last year a lot, so I don’t feel like I need to do tons of studying, just polish up.
Outlook: I have a least a week to dedicate. If I miss this goal, I still have time.

Goal: Finish up my Creative Writing Series (prep work)
Progress: I have four classes down, and finished. I need to decide what else to cover and then finish those.
Outlook: Should be easy enough to do. Each workshop takes about 2-3 hours to prepare (or so).

I’m sharing my goals so that I have people who can hold me accountable. I’ve had low energy due to the diet that I’m on (as I’m trying to lose a significant amount of weight) and that has been a strain on the amount my brain can handle. It’s not an excuse as much as it is a concession to the limits of my body. As I’ve said before, the body/mind/spirit is all one, not separate pieces. I can no more separate my mind from my body, nor my spirit from either. As my body has less energy to run on, my mind therefore has less energy to run on.

I admit, I’m dieting for vanity as much as health. Who doesn’t want to look good? I know that I’d rather have a flat stomach than a pudgy one. And while I’m dieting for vanity in equal proportions as for health, my health is important to me as well. I believe that inner health deeply affects outward appearance. If we are healthy we look better than if we are unhealthy. So the two are tied together. As I strive towards a healthy life, necessarily my weight must come to a more acceptable level. Many of my friends tell my I’m fine in my weight. I disagree. I’m carrying around about 20-25 extra pounds and that changes the way my body deals with stress and health. I’m at 20-21% body fat. That’s considered overweight (and therefore I fit the American standard), and I’d ideally like to be around 10% which is a lot healthier. I don’t want to be 5% thats still in a healthy range, but not where I’d like to be. /ramble

Goals are goal, and often need to be re-evaluated over their course so that instead of becoming overwhelmed with inability, I can change them so that I can achieve at least part of the original goal. And after time, I can change them to be more strenuous instead of more lenient. Always, the most important goal to me will decide what other goals have to go. Maybe me having goals will help you have goals, or help you. Who knows. Anyways, have a wonderful and safe weekend!