I'm Human

I’m human, I’m not ‘perfect.’

If any of you read my last post, you’ll remember that I wanted to discuss why I almost cried on Pride night. I should clarify. I did cry. Just a sniffle here, and an overwhelming sense of sorrow there, but the emotion welled up and I had to release some of that night. Since then, I’ve done my meditation and I’ve acknowledged the emotion and let it go. Still needs some work.

Anyway, I was with my friends for most of the night, and after drinking lots of alcohol (though not enough to push me over to drunk) I found myself coming down off the high, so to speak. There were three parties, the first pool party, then a water slide party, and an after hours dance. It was during the dance where I felt most alone.

The first was a warm up, the second a blast, and the third a let down. I tend to be very shy when I don’t know somebody. Unlike other people, I do know strangers. I had stopped drinking around 1:30/2:00am because that’s when I no longer felt like drinking. In the transfer from water slide park party, I changed and dried myself off, and went to the dance dressed a little nicer.

I remember clearly walking in circles. I would go to the dance floor, watch for a moment, return to a friend’s room to see if any of my friends were there, then go back to the dance floor, drink water, and repeat. At one point, I just sat in a chair near the dancing people to see if anyone would ask me to dance, and no one did. Collectively, I sat for over 35 minutes, and I sat long enough each time to be noticed.

I remember seeing at least two guys I would have danced with, but I felt like I couldn’t. I was too shy, didn’t have enough to drink, whatever the reason, I could not ask either of them to dance. One was by himself, the other with a girl. Early in the night, I would have told either of them to their face that they were attractive. Not so after the buzz ended. Then I noticed a guy following me for a few moments. I immediately moved faster and out of his sight. I didn’t want to talk to him. I don’t know why, all I remember is that he was thinner with blonde hair, and I wasn’t attracted from what I saw.

So what does this all mean? Over the last week, I haven’t thought anything of it until now. What makes me this way? I know that normally, I would not talk to them either. I’ve only hit on one guy sober, and that didn’t turn out well at all. I’ve been thinking and I’ve had more than one person tell me that I seem unapproachable or intimidating. I don’t think I am at all.

I rarely get hit on, and if I do, I generally don’t realize it. Oftentimes, when I do realize it, I am utterly repulsed. I don’t like it when people hit on me, unless I want them too. Perhaps that is why I don’t hit on other people, assuming it is the same with them. So here I am, looking lost, expecting someone I like to come up to me and hit on me. That never happens, and somehow I’ll have to change my mindset. Maybe I’ll have to be less intimidating. Or, how I see, more attractive. Going for more attractive seems easier. That way even if I am intimidating, the attraction factor will push them to talk to me anyway.

Or maybe my brain is fried and I make no sense. I am human, after all.