24 June 2010

The Dreams We Dream

I’ve decided that I should share some of my dreams with you, my readers. Why? Dreams offer a powerful insight into who we are, and of course, I do dream interpretation. One of my dear friends, Amanda caught me on to the dream scene, and ever since then, I’ve been hooked. I’ve done a few interpretations for friends, but I’m still learning. Maybe this will make sense to you, maybe it will not.
I dreamed that I was talking to two beautiful men, who were cousins. One of them was interested in me off the bat, the older one, though not as pretty. He left for a moment and a girl was going to massage me, but the younger one wanted to, so I let him. The older one came back and became upset that he was massaging me as he knew he wanted to have a conversation with me. I decided that I liked them both and so I set up a small contest to decide, or give me more time (Choose Your Russian). We cleaned their house and it resembled my aunt’s slightly. While the younger one was doing dishes I held on to him from behind. I did this because I accompanied the older one before on a previous task. I cleaned a copper breadbox and had to scrub the copper off my hands after fixing the copper on the box. Both men were upset that I had cleaned, as they both wanted to take care of me. Then housemates came back and I informed them all that they had better keep it clean, and went to the back of the house with three girls who already had kept it clean and they were a little bit upset that I had told them to keep it clean.
My Interpretation:
The men stand for my desire, I am conflicted about my own impulses and deep desires. The ‘fighting’ over me is my own unconscious attempt to decided what I am in favor of: a more hands on approach or a more intellectual approach. My leanings obviously were to the younger, more beautiful man, the more physical of the two. The inability to choose, shows my inherent desire for both. The dishes symbolize my desire to move on from the adolescent stage, but currently I feel stuck (as it is not me that is doing them). The copper bread box signifies my desire to be connected in a safe, sustaining relationship that is warm and personal. That they wanted to take care of me shows my own desire to take care of myself. The girls represent my feminine side feeling conflicted and wounded by the intrusion of the masculine.

21 June 2010

I'm Human

I’m human, I’m not ‘perfect.’

If any of you read my last post, you’ll remember that I wanted to discuss why I almost cried on Pride night. I should clarify. I did cry. Just a sniffle here, and an overwhelming sense of sorrow there, but the emotion welled up and I had to release some of that night. Since then, I’ve done my meditation and I’ve acknowledged the emotion and let it go. Still needs some work.

Anyway, I was with my friends for most of the night, and after drinking lots of alcohol (though not enough to push me over to drunk) I found myself coming down off the high, so to speak. There were three parties, the first pool party, then a water slide party, and an after hours dance. It was during the dance where I felt most alone.

The first was a warm up, the second a blast, and the third a let down. I tend to be very shy when I don’t know somebody. Unlike other people, I do know strangers. I had stopped drinking around 1:30/2:00am because that’s when I no longer felt like drinking. In the transfer from water slide park party, I changed and dried myself off, and went to the dance dressed a little nicer.

I remember clearly walking in circles. I would go to the dance floor, watch for a moment, return to a friend’s room to see if any of my friends were there, then go back to the dance floor, drink water, and repeat. At one point, I just sat in a chair near the dancing people to see if anyone would ask me to dance, and no one did. Collectively, I sat for over 35 minutes, and I sat long enough each time to be noticed.

I remember seeing at least two guys I would have danced with, but I felt like I couldn’t. I was too shy, didn’t have enough to drink, whatever the reason, I could not ask either of them to dance. One was by himself, the other with a girl. Early in the night, I would have told either of them to their face that they were attractive. Not so after the buzz ended. Then I noticed a guy following me for a few moments. I immediately moved faster and out of his sight. I didn’t want to talk to him. I don’t know why, all I remember is that he was thinner with blonde hair, and I wasn’t attracted from what I saw.

So what does this all mean? Over the last week, I haven’t thought anything of it until now. What makes me this way? I know that normally, I would not talk to them either. I’ve only hit on one guy sober, and that didn’t turn out well at all. I’ve been thinking and I’ve had more than one person tell me that I seem unapproachable or intimidating. I don’t think I am at all.

I rarely get hit on, and if I do, I generally don’t realize it. Oftentimes, when I do realize it, I am utterly repulsed. I don’t like it when people hit on me, unless I want them too. Perhaps that is why I don’t hit on other people, assuming it is the same with them. So here I am, looking lost, expecting someone I like to come up to me and hit on me. That never happens, and somehow I’ll have to change my mindset. Maybe I’ll have to be less intimidating. Or, how I see, more attractive. Going for more attractive seems easier. That way even if I am intimidating, the attraction factor will push them to talk to me anyway.

Or maybe my brain is fried and I make no sense. I am human, after all.

15 June 2010

Vacations Can Offer Much More

As many of you are aware, I went on vacation this past week. One of the reasons why I decided not to tweet a lot. On a ‘normal’ vacation I think I’d tweet or be online more or even get some things done. The fact of this vacation was that I worked. I helped put together a pride parade float,etc with an organization that I used to volunteer for when I lived out there in NM. I wanted to do this, I missed the sense of community and place that I’ve been craving out here. There just is no gay community where I live. I wanted that sense again.

As with any community there is ‘drama’ and this place is no exception. I found during my time that I did not miss the drama, the constant slight jabs. It was during the parade itself we were a true group, operating at full capacity and drama-free. My last night, as I lay in bed, I knew that I’d miss it, but at the same time it was something I would no longer want. I satisfied my community desire, and I know I can have it here if I want. I’m glad for my time, and I certainly learned a lot.

Now, as for other parts of my vacation, I should clarify a status update from Saturday. I almost lost it. Watching everyone having fun, and feeling like I did not belong anymore left me to the point of tears. I won’t go into all the details during this post. That will be addressed more fully on my next. I had a lot to drink, though I was not drunk that evening, alcohol tends to bring me down when I come down.

The time I spent outside volunteer work, I spent mostly with people I know. There are always people you know that you kinda don’t want to. I learned on this past visit who I want to know and who I don’t. I won’t go into any details, but sometimes ‘friends’ should really just be acquaintances. I don’t know how other people feel, but for a lot of my group activities I felt out of place, and excluded from conversations. The group would ‘circle’ up as we natural do while talking, and I found myself outside the circle more often than not. I think it was a conscious part of some peoples part and not on others.

I learned a lot about myself on this short trip, and I learned lessons that I left behind, unlearned. Now that I’m home, I have a lot of thinking to do and organization of thoughts. I’m going to post some of these down in the next week or so and hopefully through setting them down, I’ll be better able to grow from these experiences.

While I’m thinking about it, I’m almost 100% positive the universe directed me to take this vacation to help me learn from my past and to finish up lessons I’d left behind or was unable to learn anywhere else. And I think I’ve begun to learn and understand some of the lessons. Maybe after another 10 times I’ll get it!

03 June 2010

Just a Rambling

This is just going to be a rambling, shambling mess. I’m not going to make any pretenses about this blog. Hooray!

I’ve been feeling a bit down today, and if you know me in person now, you know I’m a pretty happy person. If you knew me in the past, you know I’m never happy. I’d like to think I’m a lot better off emotionally than I was a few years ago. Of course I still have my issues, and I know it.

Number one major issue is body image. Most of the time, I’m okay. I know I’m not a perfect physical specimen nor do I have the ‘best’ haircut or whatever. Then somedays I feel like a giant whale pretending to be human. I know I can never feel 100% happy right now. I’m working out, I’m working on being where I feel more comfortable. I’m just not there yet.

I’ve been dealing with body issues for several years, and I go up and down. I’m up when I feel like I’m checked out, down the next day. On top of body insecurities, I’m also dealing with intellectual insecurities. I’m very insecure in my self. I suppose it’s the intense rejection I’ve encountered from family about my sexual identity.

I’ve been on a journey the last few months to really build myself up, and accept myself for who I am. Who I’d like to be keeps creeping in and telling me I’m worthless now, and I should try harder. For Valentine’s Day I gave myself chocolates and flowers, a card and a stuffed animal. I’ve never felt self love like that. I didn’t spend a lot of money, but I wanted to show love for me. And it worked for a week.

I suppose that diet has a huge effect on my mood. If I eat enough, I’m happy, if I don’t I’m not. But I’m trying to lose weight so that I don’t have to later in life. I’ve been dieting for about three weeks (as in lower calories) and it’s hard. I know it’s hard and I wasn’t happy to do it again, but to be healthier I need to lose the weight.

I’ve decided for now, just to focus on cutting calories, and eating relatively healthy, when I’m where I’d like to be, I’m going to eventually cut sugar, gluten, and most dairy from my diet for health reasons.

Okay, I feel better now. Writing lets me do that. Focus on the emotions I’m feeling, work through them, and then let them go when I know why they are there. I’ve had a few outside events that put my down a bit, but I’m trying not to let events influence my emotions of state of mind. Everything is a lesson learned and some lessons will get crammed down our throats. I just hope the lessons I have to learn I can realize it earlier on. Take care, peace to you, and have a wonderful, wonderful weekend!

01 June 2010

My Writing Resolution and an MFA Update

I’ve been doing a lot lately in the writing department. I’ve been researching schools to go for my MFA in Creative Writing with a goal of attending in Fall 2011. I’m hoping against hopes that I’ll at least get into one school, and I’ll be applying to at least 12. It’s harder to get into an MFA program than Harvard Med School, and the competition is fierce. But I have my hopes that I can make it, and get into a great school with great financial aid.

All of you writers you know it is not a easy task to write. Like anything else it takes practice a determination. I’ve been writing since I was in the 8th grade (creatively at least), and in the writing community that’s a long time. I may have to post some snippets of my first creative work so you can all laugh and feel better! LIke any task, I find so much else to do to avoid writing. I’ll clean, cook, read a history book, etc if I really want to avoid it. But once I sit down and do it, and it’s not so bad. I like to think of writing in terms of the way I go to the gym. I may not want to go, but I’ll feel better if I do.

Writing lets a lot of emotions out, and it lets me explore myself, explore the world around me, and explore all the wonderful stories flowing into me, pooling and ready to pour out. I don’t always have an easy time of writing, but after taking two years at the University of New Mexico with intensive writing classes, I’ve found out that you get better and better. And I’ve got the discipline to sit down and write, just like I discovered I can go to the gym and enjoy it and feel better about myself and my body.

I’ve recently decided that my daily writing goal is about 1,000 words. And like the gym I can skip a day here and there, but for the most part, I’d like to write that many words. It’s actually a small amount, but the more I write, the more material I have. I read a great article in Poets & Writers recently by Benjamin Percy, a man who teaches and writes. He said (in so many words) the more words you have the less bad you feel about getting rid of them, as you’ll always have more. I think I’m adopting this stance. Since my goal usually takes between an hour and two hours, I feel that is really no time at all, considering I spend up to two hours at the gym.

Writing is also about reading. I’ve read 95/200 books that I own. Out of the 105 left, 34 I’ve cracked open and read some part, and 62 I’ve just looked at. That’s quite a few books! Reading as a writer is a lesson I learned, and promptly forgot. I think my first fiction teacher had it right. You read once for pleasure and then once with a critical eye, trying to learn as much from the writer as you can. I find it hard enough to read through the first time! But I’ve got a lot of material that I need to read through, and I’m hoping that as I read more and more, my writing will get better and better.

I’ve got a few good friends that say I write well. In fact they say I write wonderfully. I know they are being kind, and it is terrific to have friends that enjoy my writing. Of course, I don’t think I write well and with my postivie friends I’ve found it difficult to really get good feedback. Even in my undergrad classes, I only had about five students give my good critical feedback. My instructors often gave me the best. “Do you need that word there? This doesn’t work at all, try this.” etc. I think the best compliment I’ve received on my writing is from my one-on-one mentorship with a graduate student of UNM’s MFA program who told me I was ready for MFA work. Sometimes its so hard to the see the beauty in our own work other than the flaws, and yet I strive to be better. My friends remind my of that beauty, even as I work to make a statue of David.