Age Does Make A Difference

I have to confess to seeing “Surprise Party,” by Craigery Morgan (view here). And this is sort of where my mind has gone over the last couple of days.

I’ll be the first to admit, this guy is hot. And most of you will agree with me, I think. In a very ‘Drew’ way, I immediately followed him on twitter (and if you are on twitter, I know you are too). Without thought, I posted: “I would like to introduce my new husband to you and himself.” This is very typical of me. If you know me at all you’ll know I have a lot of ‘husbands.’

Craigery is 5-6 years younger than me. So I got to thinking, ‘how has my own life changed in that time?’ I’ve graduated from both Citrus College and The University of New Mexico both in that time frame. I’ve grown tremendously as a person in those years. I’m no longer as shy, no longer as pessimistic, a lot more friendly. Of course I’m currently working on my body (and it’s so unfair that he’s so young with such a great body) and lost weight, managing my diet and eating healthy. Upon looking back upon those years, I realize I’m such a different person, but then again I’m the same. As much as I have change, I haven’t. I’m still a prude, probably more so than I used to be (if that is believable).

I realized that I don’t think I’d marry this young man, though I definitely would ‘sleep’ with him. When I meditated on my chakras I discovered that the only chakra truly thrown off balance by his sudden appearance was my sacral chakra—emotions and sexual desires. I’m not totally throwing the idea out there that I’d never marry him, but I would have to date him for a while first. Or just sleep with him and count myself lucky.

This is probably not exactly the post you were looking for, but I need to express my views to myself, for the most part and admit that I have sexual feelings and desires as much as I try to repress them. This is one of my new goals: admit and embrace myself as a sexual creature.

Target Ain't People

Just saw the video this morning. After watching it, I think it cements my feelings towards large corporations. As hard as they are to avoid. Take a look, and let me know what you think.

My initial thoughts were: they are not going to accomplish anything. Then it was: but they are so right. Corporations should have no say in our electoral processes. We should be ruled by the people (even though we are not a true Democracy, we still elect officials who should have the interests of the people) not by money-hungry institutions.

When we are ruled by such corporations, we lose. Who gets the tax breaks? Who gets the subsidies? Who gets control of the government? Think about these things the next time you shop somewhere. The “little” people get hurt the most. But why are they “little?” Because their employer refuse to pay decent wages.

Support your local small businesses instead.

Eight Month Mark-More or Less

I’ve been in California for about 8 and a half months. Since then, I’ve done quite a bit. This is me trying to remember everything I’ve done.

Stopped worry about money as much as I had in the past.
Reconnected with family in important ways.
Reconnected with friends and made new friends.
Started working on myself: physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Been on a few dates.
Met amazing people!
Traditionally unemployed for the whole time.
Understood freelance, and the difficulties.
Submitted a story for publication.
Learned that ebay can be your friend.
Lost 15 pounds.

Everyday is a journey, and every day holds adventure, even if you don’t leave the house. I’ve tried finding ‘gainful employment’ but have been unable to do so. I see though, that perhaps gainful employment really means shackles to those who pay you and the hours they want you to work. I know that sounds highfalutin and maybe so, but I see friends and family working for money and money only. Money doesn’t buy happiness. It can give you access to things that may make us happy, but only temporary. This quote sums up my feelings:

"To be constantly in want is the very definition of poverty, no matter how large one's house or bank account. By that measure, ours is perhaps the poorest society the world has ever known." - Charles Eisenstein

But life hasn’t be grim. As I suspected the Universe generally cares, and provides for us. I have been very lucky to have family that supports me in my day to day existence. Very lucky, and blessed. I don’t know many people who can say that. I feel like a leech sometimes, but I know that it’s just because I’m starting out, really, for the first time. In New Mexico I had student loans that paid for everything for me. Now I just have my income to pay my bills.

I’ve been working on my body too. In trying to develop other aspects of my person, I’ve noticed that our body defines who we are to a large extent. Our body is how we experience the world and I want my body to be in top shape. Why would I want anything less? The closer we are to our bodies and selves, the less we can lie to ourself.

And I’ve taken the ultimate risk for a writer. I’ve submitted work for more than one publication, unsolicited. In other terms, it’s like trying to sell tupperware to someone who already owns all the styles. So I’ve submitted to one online publisher and two Literary Journals, so I’m excited and at the same time a little frightened. I want to be successful! I had one rejection letter this year, and I’m determined to get get as many as it takes for a yes letter!

I’m trying so hard to make life work, and I think that when we sit back and relax, we realize that life is what we make of it. It is neither hard nor easy, it’s not out to get us, and it doesn’t hand us everything on a silver platter. If we just are life becomes a wonderful thing, beautiful and simple. We’re all playing a game that’s gotten out of hand. I think simple is a good place to start.

What We Learn About Ourselves

Over the last few days I was talking with “Lance” and I must admit he intrigued me. I know almost nothing about him and sometimes knowing nothing can be exciting. Anyways, we originally talked about spiritual things, and I was very happy to talk about that. Not many people are willing to talk about such a deep subject; that’s exactly why he started talking to me.

We exchanged a few emails then finally got around to chatting online. The first time was fairly innocent, with a little hint of what might happen later. We talked for a good hour or so just talking about anything, learning about each other.

I should preface the rest of this: I did not know his name, what he looked like or anything other than that he is 6’5” (which is not much) and what he did tell me I don’t know if it was true or not. Basically he could have been what he said he was, or a creepy old man in a basement somewhere.

The second time we chat I knew it would be different than the first. Instantly things heated up. I’m not talking slowly, either. Very fast. Pretty soon we’re talking on the phone (he’s very private/secretive so not via phone numbers). His voice gave me extreme doubt as to who he said he was. Of course, voices don’t necessarily tell about their owners. Anyways, he whispered the whole time. Then he left for a moment, and I gave up on waiting. I didn’t want to sit there waiting for long. For him it would have been very early in the morning, so I don’t know why he would have not be able to talk continuously. To say nothing, I hung up, and lied, telling him my phone died. It was close, but it did not. I just did not want to wait anymore.

I then sent him an email that more than likely broke his heart, scarred him for life, and probably made him want to go straight. He deleted his profile, effectively burning my bridge making it impossible to talk to him again. Based on the reaction I got, it made me believe he really was who he said he was, and you never meet ‘mystery’ people who are who they say they are. Never, usually some creepy old man in a basement getting his kicks. It happens too often.

I should also mention (in the unlikely event that he reads this) that I have a stalker who would seem to stop at nothing to get a hold of me. I also have friends that would create fake people to mess with other people, including their own friends. And of course, that I have an amazing tendency to hurt myself over men than anyone I know; that is the number one reason I suppose that I don’t allow myself to feel anything. It always turns sour. It may come as a surprise to anyone reading that this is actually fairly lucky for me. Yeah. Oh and I still have a V-card.

I suppose this is a lesson the Universe wanted me to learn. The exact lesson I’m not sure, maybe to be more open, maybe to be more upfront. I have had about 10 chances in my life to grow in this manner. If you’re a new follower you may not understand, if you’re an older follower, you do. I don’t date a lot, mostly because nothing ever happens, and I’m extremely shy. I’ve been on about 4-5 dates my whole life. So perhaps this was a lesson to help me when I encounter the next man (next year, sometime).

In any case, I’ve grown and learned from this experience. Never regret anything, because every choice is precisely the right choice for you path. I regret nothing that I did. I handled the situation as best I could at that very moment, and it was the ‘right’ choice for me at the time. Perhaps I ruined something great, perhaps not. My choices have been chosen, the dice cast, the cards played. The next step now is to move on.

Goals

A couple weeks ago, I decided to step up and create some goals for myself. This is supposed to just be general goals, like New Years Resolutions, but not such a big deal. I wanted to have more direction in my life and get something accomplished: to feel like I’ve done something.

Goal: Write everyday, at least 500 words (in a story).
Progress: Not so good. I have to goal, and it perhaps gets me writing when I otherwise wouldn’t.
New Goal: Write 3 days a week, 1500 words (in a story or stories).
Outlook: Good, brings down the goal to a more reasonable level that I can reach much easier.

Goal: Go to the gym at least 4 times a week.
Progress: Much harder than I thought. Before making this goal that about the amount I went. Doing alright though.
New Goal: Go to the gym at least twice a week.
Outlook: I’ve been going twice a week. This shouldn’t be hard. Since cutting my calories, it’s been a lot harder to go than I anticipated.

Goal: Diet for 15 weeks to lose a total of 30 pounds.
Progress: Excellent. This is the goal I’m working very hard on, and one that I’m holding dearly onto.
New Goal: No new goal.
Outlook: Excellent. I’m on track, and perhaps a touch ahead.

Goal: Perform yoga everyday at least 30 mins.
Progress: Week one was the best week and I did that three times.
New goal: Perform yoga once a week for about 30 mins.
Outlook: May get some getting used to. Should pick a day and stick to it.

Short Term Goals

These are the goals I’ve set deadlines for, like a To Do list, but a bit different. It gives me time to get them done, and maybe more.

Goal: Finish 3 short stories for my MFA application by July 15.
Progress: The stories have been finished, but they need editing. I know what I need to do for each story.
Outlook: Decent. Plans to work on one this evening.

Goal: Study for the GRE (July 22)
Progress: I studied for this test last year a lot, so I don’t feel like I need to do tons of studying, just polish up.
Outlook: I have a least a week to dedicate. If I miss this goal, I still have time.

Goal: Finish up my Creative Writing Series (prep work)
Progress: I have four classes down, and finished. I need to decide what else to cover and then finish those.
Outlook: Should be easy enough to do. Each workshop takes about 2-3 hours to prepare (or so).

I’m sharing my goals so that I have people who can hold me accountable. I’ve had low energy due to the diet that I’m on (as I’m trying to lose a significant amount of weight) and that has been a strain on the amount my brain can handle. It’s not an excuse as much as it is a concession to the limits of my body. As I’ve said before, the body/mind/spirit is all one, not separate pieces. I can no more separate my mind from my body, nor my spirit from either. As my body has less energy to run on, my mind therefore has less energy to run on.

I admit, I’m dieting for vanity as much as health. Who doesn’t want to look good? I know that I’d rather have a flat stomach than a pudgy one. And while I’m dieting for vanity in equal proportions as for health, my health is important to me as well. I believe that inner health deeply affects outward appearance. If we are healthy we look better than if we are unhealthy. So the two are tied together. As I strive towards a healthy life, necessarily my weight must come to a more acceptable level. Many of my friends tell my I’m fine in my weight. I disagree. I’m carrying around about 20-25 extra pounds and that changes the way my body deals with stress and health. I’m at 20-21% body fat. That’s considered overweight (and therefore I fit the American standard), and I’d ideally like to be around 10% which is a lot healthier. I don’t want to be 5% thats still in a healthy range, but not where I’d like to be. /ramble

Goals are goal, and often need to be re-evaluated over their course so that instead of becoming overwhelmed with inability, I can change them so that I can achieve at least part of the original goal. And after time, I can change them to be more strenuous instead of more lenient. Always, the most important goal to me will decide what other goals have to go. Maybe me having goals will help you have goals, or help you. Who knows. Anyways, have a wonderful and safe weekend!

The Dreams We Dream

I’ve decided that I should share some of my dreams with you, my readers. Why? Dreams offer a powerful insight into who we are, and of course, I do dream interpretation. One of my dear friends, Amanda caught me on to the dream scene, and ever since then, I’ve been hooked. I’ve done a few interpretations for friends, but I’m still learning. Maybe this will make sense to you, maybe it will not.

I dreamed that I was talking to two beautiful men, who were cousins. One of them was interested in me off the bat, the older one, though not as pretty. He left for a moment and a girl was going to massage me, but the younger one wanted to, so I let him. The older one came back and became upset that he was massaging me as he knew he wanted to have a conversation with me. I decided that I liked them both and so I set up a small contest to decide, or give me more time (Choose Your Russian). We cleaned their house and it resembled my aunt’s slightly. While the younger one was doing dishes I held on to him from behind. I did this because I accompanied the older one before on a previous task. I cleaned a copper breadbox and had to scrub the copper off my hands after fixing the copper on the box. Both men were upset that I had cleaned, as they both wanted to take care of me. Then housemates came back and I informed them all that they had better keep it clean, and went to the back of the house with three girls who already had kept it clean and they were a little bit upset that I had told them to keep it clean.

My Interpretation:
The men stand for my desire, I am conflicted about my own impulses and deep desires. The ‘fighting’ over me is my own unconscious attempt to decided what I am in favor of: a more hands on approach or a more intellectual approach. My leanings obviously were to the younger, more beautiful man, the more physical of the two. The inability to choose, shows my inherent desire for both. The dishes symbolize my desire to move on from the adolescent stage, but currently I feel stuck (as it is not me that is doing them). The copper bread box signifies my desire to be connected in a safe, sustaining relationship that is warm and personal. That they wanted to take care of me shows my own desire to take care of myself. The girls represent my feminine side feeling conflicted and wounded by the intrusion of the masculine.

I'm Human

I’m human, I’m not ‘perfect.’

If any of you read my last post, you’ll remember that I wanted to discuss why I almost cried on Pride night. I should clarify. I did cry. Just a sniffle here, and an overwhelming sense of sorrow there, but the emotion welled up and I had to release some of that night. Since then, I’ve done my meditation and I’ve acknowledged the emotion and let it go. Still needs some work.

Anyway, I was with my friends for most of the night, and after drinking lots of alcohol (though not enough to push me over to drunk) I found myself coming down off the high, so to speak. There were three parties, the first pool party, then a water slide party, and an after hours dance. It was during the dance where I felt most alone.

The first was a warm up, the second a blast, and the third a let down. I tend to be very shy when I don’t know somebody. Unlike other people, I do know strangers. I had stopped drinking around 1:30/2:00am because that’s when I no longer felt like drinking. In the transfer from water slide park party, I changed and dried myself off, and went to the dance dressed a little nicer.

I remember clearly walking in circles. I would go to the dance floor, watch for a moment, return to a friend’s room to see if any of my friends were there, then go back to the dance floor, drink water, and repeat. At one point, I just sat in a chair near the dancing people to see if anyone would ask me to dance, and no one did. Collectively, I sat for over 35 minutes, and I sat long enough each time to be noticed.

I remember seeing at least two guys I would have danced with, but I felt like I couldn’t. I was too shy, didn’t have enough to drink, whatever the reason, I could not ask either of them to dance. One was by himself, the other with a girl. Early in the night, I would have told either of them to their face that they were attractive. Not so after the buzz ended. Then I noticed a guy following me for a few moments. I immediately moved faster and out of his sight. I didn’t want to talk to him. I don’t know why, all I remember is that he was thinner with blonde hair, and I wasn’t attracted from what I saw.

So what does this all mean? Over the last week, I haven’t thought anything of it until now. What makes me this way? I know that normally, I would not talk to them either. I’ve only hit on one guy sober, and that didn’t turn out well at all. I’ve been thinking and I’ve had more than one person tell me that I seem unapproachable or intimidating. I don’t think I am at all.

I rarely get hit on, and if I do, I generally don’t realize it. Oftentimes, when I do realize it, I am utterly repulsed. I don’t like it when people hit on me, unless I want them too. Perhaps that is why I don’t hit on other people, assuming it is the same with them. So here I am, looking lost, expecting someone I like to come up to me and hit on me. That never happens, and somehow I’ll have to change my mindset. Maybe I’ll have to be less intimidating. Or, how I see, more attractive. Going for more attractive seems easier. That way even if I am intimidating, the attraction factor will push them to talk to me anyway.

Or maybe my brain is fried and I make no sense. I am human, after all.