As many of you are aware, I went on vacation this past week. One of the reasons why I decided not to tweet a lot. On a ‘normal’ vacation I think I’d tweet or be online more or even get some things done. The fact of this vacation was that I worked. I helped put together a pride parade float,etc with an organization that I used to volunteer for when I lived out there in NM. I wanted to do this, I missed the sense of community and place that I’ve been craving out here. There just is no gay community where I live. I wanted that sense again.
As with any community there is ‘drama’ and this place is no exception. I found during my time that I did not miss the drama, the constant slight jabs. It was during the parade itself we were a true group, operating at full capacity and drama-free. My last night, as I lay in bed, I knew that I’d miss it, but at the same time it was something I would no longer want. I satisfied my community desire, and I know I can have it here if I want. I’m glad for my time, and I certainly learned a lot.
Now, as for other parts of my vacation, I should clarify a status update from Saturday. I almost lost it. Watching everyone having fun, and feeling like I did not belong anymore left me to the point of tears. I won’t go into all the details during this post. That will be addressed more fully on my next. I had a lot to drink, though I was not drunk that evening, alcohol tends to bring me down when I come down.
The time I spent outside volunteer work, I spent mostly with people I know. There are always people you know that you kinda don’t want to. I learned on this past visit who I want to know and who I don’t. I won’t go into any details, but sometimes ‘friends’ should really just be acquaintances. I don’t know how other people feel, but for a lot of my group activities I felt out of place, and excluded from conversations. The group would ‘circle’ up as we natural do while talking, and I found myself outside the circle more often than not. I think it was a conscious part of some peoples part and not on others.
I learned a lot about myself on this short trip, and I learned lessons that I left behind, unlearned. Now that I’m home, I have a lot of thinking to do and organization of thoughts. I’m going to post some of these down in the next week or so and hopefully through setting them down, I’ll be better able to grow from these experiences.
While I’m thinking about it, I’m almost 100% positive the universe directed me to take this vacation to help me learn from my past and to finish up lessons I’d left behind or was unable to learn anywhere else. And I think I’ve begun to learn and understand some of the lessons. Maybe after another 10 times I’ll get it!
