Vacations Can Offer Much More

As many of you are aware, I went on vacation this past week. One of the reasons why I decided not to tweet a lot. On a ‘normal’ vacation I think I’d tweet or be online more or even get some things done. The fact of this vacation was that I worked. I helped put together a pride parade float,etc with an organization that I used to volunteer for when I lived out there in NM. I wanted to do this, I missed the sense of community and place that I’ve been craving out here. There just is no gay community where I live. I wanted that sense again.

As with any community there is ‘drama’ and this place is no exception. I found during my time that I did not miss the drama, the constant slight jabs. It was during the parade itself we were a true group, operating at full capacity and drama-free. My last night, as I lay in bed, I knew that I’d miss it, but at the same time it was something I would no longer want. I satisfied my community desire, and I know I can have it here if I want. I’m glad for my time, and I certainly learned a lot.

Now, as for other parts of my vacation, I should clarify a status update from Saturday. I almost lost it. Watching everyone having fun, and feeling like I did not belong anymore left me to the point of tears. I won’t go into all the details during this post. That will be addressed more fully on my next. I had a lot to drink, though I was not drunk that evening, alcohol tends to bring me down when I come down.

The time I spent outside volunteer work, I spent mostly with people I know. There are always people you know that you kinda don’t want to. I learned on this past visit who I want to know and who I don’t. I won’t go into any details, but sometimes ‘friends’ should really just be acquaintances. I don’t know how other people feel, but for a lot of my group activities I felt out of place, and excluded from conversations. The group would ‘circle’ up as we natural do while talking, and I found myself outside the circle more often than not. I think it was a conscious part of some peoples part and not on others.

I learned a lot about myself on this short trip, and I learned lessons that I left behind, unlearned. Now that I’m home, I have a lot of thinking to do and organization of thoughts. I’m going to post some of these down in the next week or so and hopefully through setting them down, I’ll be better able to grow from these experiences.

While I’m thinking about it, I’m almost 100% positive the universe directed me to take this vacation to help me learn from my past and to finish up lessons I’d left behind or was unable to learn anywhere else. And I think I’ve begun to learn and understand some of the lessons. Maybe after another 10 times I’ll get it!

Just a Rambling

This is just going to be a rambling, shambling mess. I’m not going to make any pretenses about this blog. Hooray!

I’ve been feeling a bit down today, and if you know me in person now, you know I’m a pretty happy person. If you knew me in the past, you know I’m never happy. I’d like to think I’m a lot better off emotionally than I was a few years ago. Of course I still have my issues, and I know it.

Number one major issue is body image. Most of the time, I’m okay. I know I’m not a perfect physical specimen nor do I have the ‘best’ haircut or whatever. Then somedays I feel like a giant whale pretending to be human. I know I can never feel 100% happy right now. I’m working out, I’m working on being where I feel more comfortable. I’m just not there yet.

I’ve been dealing with body issues for several years, and I go up and down. I’m up when I feel like I’m checked out, down the next day. On top of body insecurities, I’m also dealing with intellectual insecurities. I’m very insecure in my self. I suppose it’s the intense rejection I’ve encountered from family about my sexual identity.

I’ve been on a journey the last few months to really build myself up, and accept myself for who I am. Who I’d like to be keeps creeping in and telling me I’m worthless now, and I should try harder. For Valentine’s Day I gave myself chocolates and flowers, a card and a stuffed animal. I’ve never felt self love like that. I didn’t spend a lot of money, but I wanted to show love for me. And it worked for a week.

I suppose that diet has a huge effect on my mood. If I eat enough, I’m happy, if I don’t I’m not. But I’m trying to lose weight so that I don’t have to later in life. I’ve been dieting for about three weeks (as in lower calories) and it’s hard. I know it’s hard and I wasn’t happy to do it again, but to be healthier I need to lose the weight.

I’ve decided for now, just to focus on cutting calories, and eating relatively healthy, when I’m where I’d like to be, I’m going to eventually cut sugar, gluten, and most dairy from my diet for health reasons.

Okay, I feel better now. Writing lets me do that. Focus on the emotions I’m feeling, work through them, and then let them go when I know why they are there. I’ve had a few outside events that put my down a bit, but I’m trying not to let events influence my emotions of state of mind. Everything is a lesson learned and some lessons will get crammed down our throats. I just hope the lessons I have to learn I can realize it earlier on. Take care, peace to you, and have a wonderful, wonderful weekend!

My Writing Resolution and an MFA Update

I’ve been doing a lot lately in the writing department. I’ve been researching schools to go for my MFA in Creative Writing with a goal of attending in Fall 2011. I’m hoping against hopes that I’ll at least get into one school, and I’ll be applying to at least 12. It’s harder to get into an MFA program than Harvard Med School, and the competition is fierce. But I have my hopes that I can make it, and get into a great school with great financial aid.

All of you writers you know it is not a easy task to write. Like anything else it takes practice a determination. I’ve been writing since I was in the 8th grade (creatively at least), and in the writing community that’s a long time. I may have to post some snippets of my first creative work so you can all laugh and feel better! LIke any task, I find so much else to do to avoid writing. I’ll clean, cook, read a history book, etc if I really want to avoid it. But once I sit down and do it, and it’s not so bad. I like to think of writing in terms of the way I go to the gym. I may not want to go, but I’ll feel better if I do.

Writing lets a lot of emotions out, and it lets me explore myself, explore the world around me, and explore all the wonderful stories flowing into me, pooling and ready to pour out. I don’t always have an easy time of writing, but after taking two years at the University of New Mexico with intensive writing classes, I’ve found out that you get better and better. And I’ve got the discipline to sit down and write, just like I discovered I can go to the gym and enjoy it and feel better about myself and my body.

I’ve recently decided that my daily writing goal is about 1,000 words. And like the gym I can skip a day here and there, but for the most part, I’d like to write that many words. It’s actually a small amount, but the more I write, the more material I have. I read a great article in Poets & Writers recently by Benjamin Percy, a man who teaches and writes. He said (in so many words) the more words you have the less bad you feel about getting rid of them, as you’ll always have more. I think I’m adopting this stance. Since my goal usually takes between an hour and two hours, I feel that is really no time at all, considering I spend up to two hours at the gym.

Writing is also about reading. I’ve read 95/200 books that I own. Out of the 105 left, 34 I’ve cracked open and read some part, and 62 I’ve just looked at. That’s quite a few books! Reading as a writer is a lesson I learned, and promptly forgot. I think my first fiction teacher had it right. You read once for pleasure and then once with a critical eye, trying to learn as much from the writer as you can. I find it hard enough to read through the first time! But I’ve got a lot of material that I need to read through, and I’m hoping that as I read more and more, my writing will get better and better.

I’ve got a few good friends that say I write well. In fact they say I write wonderfully. I know they are being kind, and it is terrific to have friends that enjoy my writing. Of course, I don’t think I write well and with my postivie friends I’ve found it difficult to really get good feedback. Even in my undergrad classes, I only had about five students give my good critical feedback. My instructors often gave me the best. “Do you need that word there? This doesn’t work at all, try this.” etc. I think the best compliment I’ve received on my writing is from my one-on-one mentorship with a graduate student of UNM’s MFA program who told me I was ready for MFA work. Sometimes its so hard to the see the beauty in our own work other than the flaws, and yet I strive to be better. My friends remind my of that beauty, even as I work to make a statue of David.

The Creature

Note: This is adapted from my original post here.

April 26, 2006

I think today I'm going to talk about annoying people.

Yes. You know them. They are the plague to your existence. I have several of these people in my life. Fortunately, for me and for them, I have a very high tolerance for annoyance. But there are time where I will lash out in all directions.

At work, I tend to mind my own business about work related things. I get done what I need to get done. I work at a grocery store called Stater Brothers Markets, commonly referred to as Stater Bros. by the general public and as Slaver Bros. by the employees.

There happens to be a woman at my work who is in her mid to late 30's maybe even early forties. She is the Creature. A spawn of Satan, at least at work. Her appearance is deceiving, she looks very matronly/grandmotherly, but she is no ordinary mother. She is the evil part of every mother, the one who nags constantly and charges around ordering you about. In this she is like a mother, in all else, well there is no name for her but the Creature.

The Creature stands around 5’5”, rather large around the middle, and it slumps forward sticking its paunch out, and its arms hang limply at its sides. The hair of the Creature hangs bushily around its chunky face, the dirt-blonde hair streaked with aged-gray. Its voice sounds harsh and breathy, lingering in the air like nighttime noise. It wears a green vest that stretches across its distended abdomen. Under this vest it wears a clean white shirt, contrasting the Creature's true identity. Around its legs it wears black pants that hang loosely near the ankle and strains over its middle. And the eyes shine brightly inside sacs of fat and stare, deceivingly into the world. A foe to constantly deal with. It only conceives of its own worth, and how to push those around it to the ground. There are few who like the Creature. Those few have been deceived with its matron façade, and these few refuse to believe what the Creature really is. The High Bitch of the Front End.

She can be overwhelming in her desire to gain customer satisfaction, yet many customers do not like her overly friendly way. The can see to the heart of the matter, that the Creature lies within willing flesh. She dissembles her true form from all. She is vindictive and vile. I try to stand against her, but in my position there is little that I can do but hide behind the strength of others.

That said, I'll be helping customers or putting things away or what-not, and the minute I'm out of the Creatures sight, it freaks out, desperately seeking to have me run to the front of the store, presumably to work. The minute I reach the front she covers her loathsome personality with a false cheerfulness and pleasantness. And I discover that there is nothing to do. All is empty.

Just the other day I refused to bend to her will and she gave me the message: "The game is over." Good thing I'm not in a video game! Otherwise I'd have to load from a save, and do it all over again, maybe gain some levels.

To many of you that know me, or may not know me, it takes a lot to get me outward angry. The creature can invoke such feelings in less than 10 minutes on the clock. Can't I use the restroom in peace? Can't I help a customer without being harassed? Can't I even finish something without being called on? The answer to all these questions is a resounding no.

The Creature smiles in satisfaction, watching with is beady eyes waiting for the right moment to cause utter feelings of hatred. One of the many Spawns found across American workplaces large and small. And perhaps one day the Creatures of America will vanish, along with all the other Spawn. Who am I kidding? There will just be more ready to take there place in such a situation.

The Sandwich

Note: This is adapted from my original post here.

April 28, 2006

I was hungry at work. That’s basically how it goes everyday: it’s almost lunch time and the stomach tells the brain that its time to eat, again. Damn that stomach, always telling us to eat when we can’t! I want to have a sandwich so I grab the nearest piece of paper (which happens to be an index card) and steal a nearby pen and rush off to the Service Deli at my store.

I stare hard at the lumps of pre-formed meats and cheeses, ignoring the various limp and brown salads that can't hold my attention any day of the week. The harsh florescent light makes me salivate as I try to decide what I want on my precious lunch. I spot a new cheese (on sale!) a nice, light swiss. I spot brown sugar ham, sweet and substantial. I filter through my brain, a list of veggies that would work. Tomato, of course, and avocado (it’s a Californian thing). Next I pick lettuce, adding it to my list. Then comes the cucumber, and red onions. And of course some cream cheese. No mayo or mustard, disgusting. All my condiments chosen I spot a yummy wheat bread and I bring it and my list to the Deli manager and charge her with forging my sandwich, before 10. She confirms it will be ready at the appointed time, with a smile.

Rarely does anything happen at my work on time, or any work for that matter. I am no exception to this ‘rule’. I was ready to run to my car and consume my sandwich, but as work was to be done I didn't get to leave until 10:30, after my appointed date with delicious food.

I arrive home and open my bag. I stare at the sandwich. It stares back. This thing is huge! It has to be the worlds largest meant-to-be-eaten sandwich. I dub my opponent the Sandwich to Rule Them All. It's at least 8 inches long (stop the jokes already) and over 2 1/2 inches thick (ok I guess I had them coming). This sandwich could feed a family of four! But I decide to tackle it nonetheless.

I sat down and studied my prey. It was intimidating. I quickly assessed what I had going for lubrication to get it down. Avocado was abundant, tomato helped. Too bad I hadn't gotten mayo, but the fat *sigh*. I poured my self a glass of creamy chocolate milk. I pulled out a bag of crunchy cheese curls and reassessed my situation. I knew I could handle this.

I took the first bite. It was delicious. The first half was easy to eat. It squashed well, and I had no problem. The second half would make any snake proud. I could barely fit my mouth halfway over the sandwich. It was a tough situation I was in. How could I be beaten by the sandwich? There was no way I was going down without a fight!

I squished the avocado down and forcefully pressed the sandwich down as far as it would go. I had minimal luck. I could almost get it in my mouth. I continued to wear it down, bite after bite. Soon enough my plan was working! I could actually fit a small corner of it into my mouth! I rejoiced! It had size still on its side however. I couldn't possible eat the whole thing, or could I?

After wrestling with it for a few more minutes, I regarded the small bit left. Noting its great reduction in size I triumphed at my accomplishment. Too full to consider another bite I placed the left over bit in a bag. Though about 1/3 was left it could still be considered an entire meal. It was time to take a break, such a worthy opponent can make one weary. I sat happily down and thus write the story of the Sandwich. Even though it beat me in the first battle, I knew I would win the war.

Creative Workshop

Tonight I hosted my very first creative writing workshop. I have been doing creative writing since 8th grade, and in the last few years I’ve been in high gear due to enrolling at the University of New Mexico for a degree in English. I’ve never taught a class before in my life. I’ve tutored before, but in math, which is much different than writing.

I struggled to prepare the material for the class, unsure of what would work and what wouldn’t work. I fretted here and there, thinking. In the end, I had to sit down over the last two days and just look through stuff. Which of course did not help. I finally made an outline of what I wanted to do, and jotted down some notes, and a few excerpts that I wanted to read from stories to give an idea of what we’d be working on.

It turned out that I didn’t need to plan as much as I did. The outline was wonderful and proved so useful to return to. It gave a nice flow, and a goal. But I didn’t follow it exactly or perfectly. I let the class flow as it would and made sure to involve everyone in the class as best I could.

Everyone in attendance said it was wonderful and they learned something. I did not feel nervous during the whole time; I just wanted to have fun, and hopefully everyone else would too. I’m truly flattered and astounded that the people involved loved it, appreciated it, and learned something. That makes it worthwhile.

I deal with my insecurities by seeking out positive attention, which usually doesn’t work for long. I’m hoping this boost will last some time, and impact my life in a meaningful way. Feeling good, appreciated, and useful is something I don’t experience enough. I’m glad I had this opportunity to teach. Wonderful, smooth, fun experience, and I hope each time I do a workshop it turns out as well or better. Thank you to all who came!

Mother's Day Dedication

Mother’s Day is often a time when we give thanks to those women in our lives that mean so much to us. I think this is a wonderful tradition, but sadly we should appreciate everyone in our lives more fully, everyday. I did a wonderful dedication a few years back, and it’s time I appreciate again!

I’d like to thank my mom first and foremost. The top reason being that she gave birth to me, so without her, well, I wouldn’t be. I’d also like to say thank you very much for helping me out with school, and sending little things every now and then. I love you!

Next, I’d like to thank my step-mom. Living with my dad most of my life, it was nice to have a mother figure too. Marilin has been there for me, and in recent years we’ve gotten along better. Thank you for helping me out with school too! Love you lots.

Thank you to my grandma that I live with. Thanks for letting me live here again, after I got done with school and still can’t find anything. You are generous, and I love you very much.

Aunt Joy, thank you! I really appreciated you very much my first year in college with your thoughtful notes, and the extra money to buy TP. I know you struggle, and that made me appreciate your gesture more.

Thank you Aunt Lois, I don’t get to spend I lot of time with you, but I want you to know I love you dearly. I hope that we get to spend some time together soon, because I haven’t seen you in a long time. Thank you for everything.

Thank you Grandma Green for inviting me to be a part of the family. I appreciate your warmth, and delicious bread. :)

Gram Langley, thank you for taking me in, too, and treating me as family. You live far away, but every once in a while I think of you and wish you the best. Thank you again.

Nana, I love you! Sorry I missed your birthday this year. I love you a lot, and hope that I get to see you again soon. Even though we may not agree on everything, I still love you.

Last, I’d like to thank Vicki, may you rest in peace. You meant a lot to me, and your kindness lives on in those you’ve touched. I miss you and I know that you are in a better place. Thank you.