Track Record

I don't have the best track record of updating my blog. It gets lost in the myriad events of online stuff that happens everyday, and I just don't think about it.

With all the technology we have today, you'd think it'd be easy right? I think at some points I become over saturated with writing about my life. I use twitter and I write in my journal. That doesn't leave a lot of time, energy, or (much needed) details, left for blogging.

It all comes down to decisions. Do I want to just use my blog as a diary? I don't think I'm quite ready for that to happen just yet. I don't mind sharing some details, but for the really dirt, I hold back just enough. Some thoughts are better left unpublished.

Anyways, since I can now, I'll give a brief update. I had a really great couple of weeks, due to www.breaktheillusion.com (Davey Wavey) who inspires me to think the best of any situation. He's a truly great person, and I'm glad that we've "met" online. Another great, funny guy who makes me think is http://www.youtube.com/user/JonJonJonnyo. In short, I've had nothing but beautiful things happen in the last few weeks from everything to sleeping better, eating better, and generally being happy. I can't stop myself anymore from enjoying life. Smile!

Positive thinking: try it today!

Losing A Beloved Friend

My heart will never be the same, for reciprocal love an animal gives is like no other. We grew together from a young age, and it grieves me that she is no longer here. I got her as a present when I was in the second grade, and I wanted a kitty. I wanted another one, but my dad persuaded me to chose her, the runt of the litters, the most beautiful little kitten in the world.

Who could know this tiny little ball of fluff could claw her way into my heart so fast. I loved that little kitty so much, and she was such a little devil! When she was old enough she would eat little baby birds out of the nest, and feel proud at doing so.

She was like my little baby. I was very young at the time I go her, and I remember clearly that I was to take care of her, good or bad. I know she frustrated me at times, and I'm sure I made her mad more than once, but I know she loved me in a cat way, and I loved her back.

I have to tell this funny story of her from a few years ago. I always had her sleeping in my room at night, and she slept in her own little cubby hole by the window near the head of my bed. She liked it there and at the foot of the bed of course. One night, I woke up and I saw her sleeping next to my head, and I turned over to pet her, and she got all pissy with me for knowing she cared.

I told her things I never told anyone else, I knew she could keep a secret for some extra crunches. I could share anything and she wouldn't care one way or another; she'd just listen to what I'd have to say. In my deepest pain she gave me comfort and let me know it was all just a game she played. In my brightest moments I made her celebrate with me whether or not she wanted to.

I know it sounds silly, loving an animal as much as this, but when they've been your friend for 16 years (or so) and you cannot recall a moment in your life without them, it makes them so much harder to lose. Pets are not people, but we love them just the same because they bring so much joy to lives and so much happiness (and a big pet bill). Never are they perfect, nor are we, but they forgive us our imperfections as they can. I know I have lived for the better because of her, my queen, my baby, my Jasmine. You will always hold a huge portion of my heart in your sharp little talons, you great furry beast. I love you and I miss you. May we meet again.

Which Path to Follow, Which Pawn to Move?

There are so many choices and paths in life that we simply cannot explore them all. No matter how many times I say this to myself I always end up wondering, I suppose that is the writer in me, wanting to explore paths that I otherwise did not (or could not) follow. Paths open up before us everyday and we all make hundreds of choices a day (if not more) from little ones to big ones. Somedays, when it is very quiet or I'm out in nature walking, I will think about what would have happened if, and that's when I realize I can choose to regret my decision or embrace what I thought was best when I made them.

This time for me, my what if? is more of a "What would have happened if I moved to California earlier?" or "Should I stay just a little bit longer?" But I know these questions don't do me any good. It's what is happening and what I've chosen for myself that really matters. I've said this to myself many times as well: there is no such thing as a bad decision, it's what you've chosen and what worked for you at the time. Not all choices are hard, and not all choices are easy. Many people opt for the easiest path in life, though it can often be the least rewarding and most stagnant. Hard choices can help improve one's life but can hinder as well.

I've been giving myself a lot of hard choices over the years, and I've taken easy choices as well. My current decision to return to California greatly improved my mood even though moving is very stressful. I have a lot less to worry about financial, and I think it is the best choice for me at the moment. Sure I want to stay here in New Mexico, but it just isn't in the cards for me to do so. I know I could have done more job hunting and tried to find something that paid better, but I would have had to work so much harder for everything (I am prone to fits of laziness, not to mention that crush agony of financial burden really stress one out). In California, I should have opportunity to improve my financial situation.

I don't regret moving or staying in Albuquerque, because I've made a lot of friends here, who I will be sad to leave. I've learned a lot while staying here, more than just from going to school. Living on one's own is never an easy thing, but I've learned how to cook for myself everyday, how to budget my money and still have a little bit of fun, dedication to my body to work out, and that sometimes being at home alone is the best thing. I will miss some of my freedom, but right now considering the times, it is more important to have security, because without that, what is freedom?

Homophobia and Masculinity

Homophobia will not lie down and die anytime soon.

What is homophobia? Is it truly a fear of gays?

In some ways it is. The masculine gender (associated with the male sex) is truly a vulnerable gender unlike the feminine. Masculinity stands to lose its powerful role if found that it is created. The female sex is not weaker than the male sex, but cultural it is. The female body and male body—if treated equally—will become comparably equal.

Homophobia truly does hide the true feelings of most men. In one study (which I cannot find at the present), groups of men are selected. Each man takes a pre-screening test to determine their level of homophobia. Then they are split into two groups: homophobic, and not homophobic. Each group watched gay porn at a point in the study with a device attached to their penis to detect any arousal. In the group with the homophobic men, they were aroused, and the non-homophobic group were not. The most interesting part of the study is that when asked, those that were homophobic answered that they were not aroused in the least bit.

But what causes homophobia?

Simply the fear of being not masculine, of being perceived as feminine. The worst thing a man can be called is a woman. Violation of masculinity and its power is the root of homophobia. Gay men violate the masculine gender when engaging in gay sex—in treating a man as a woman. It is about power relationships. Straight men have power over women and it is this power that is created and that must be maintained. Gay sex is much more equal that straight sex. Men are equals in Western society. Women are inferior, and therefore straight sex is about the inequality in relationships

These ideas and cultural genders are slowly giving away to equality, but it will take a long time for everyone to be truly equal. The patriarchy that stands to lose power after thousands of years will not go down easily. Both men and women support it. Gay men even support it because it creates the object of their desire: masculine men. But patriarchy will fall eventually, because the seed of destruction is sowed into its own values—that masculinity is powerful and cannot fall, and it can be seen that it can fall.

This is my poor attempt at putting several ideas together. Most of the ideas about gender I’ve read in "The Arena of Masculinity: Sports, Homosexuality, and the Meaning of Sex" by Brian Pronger. While I don’t necessarily agree with everything he says, he makes very interesting points into the worlds of athletics and masculinity, and the homoerotic natures of these worlds. The other idea is of homophobia masking signs of interests in the homoerotic desire of men for men.

Life At This Moment

Sometimes we just do not know what to do.

I have been facing big decisions. Should I go to grad school? Where? When? Should I move home? Should I stay put?

They may not seem like huge problems, but they can be. Graduate work is not easy. Getting into grad school is no cakewalk. Moving twice within a year is not an easy thing, but having little money is a big concern. How am I going to be able to afford basic living? Student loans? Grad applications? Visiting them if I get in?

I have made progress with the graduate schools. Not huge progress, but I've started the application process by getting my supporting documents ready. MFA programs are not the easiest to get into. Hundreds if not thousands apply and only a handful get in, making my chances slim to none. What if I don't get in? What will I do then?

Nothing worth anything is easy, so I'm hoping this is all worth it! I may move back home if my plans for grad school fall through. It's something I haven't given much thought, but I don't think I can stay here in ABQ. I like it, but this isn't where I'm supposed to be. I feel pulled elsewhere, and the problem is: I don't know where.

My friend, Kathy, just came through town, and this triggered a few things in my mind. She just moved home after finishing her grad program. I've been thinking of moving back home, because it is a bit expensive for me to live here on what I make. After grad school I hope that I do not have to move home, but I may for a short period to get back on my feet (if need be).

Let's all hope that this next year is great and that we all do better. This is a tough time for everyone.

Because I haven't posted in a while...

If you've been wondering what I've been up to, this will satisfy your curiosity (hopefully!).

Well the past few weeks, I've been laying low. I recently finished—well, nearly finished anyways—my first short story that will be sent off to publishing place 'round the US. The title so far eludes me, but that is no biggie. I probably won't be able to choose it anyways. But it is very close to being sent out, and from what responses I've gotten on the latest version, I think it's a go-getter! This story will also be included in my grad portfolio.

Speaking of graduate work, I'm getting ready for the application season ahead, with some help I hope! I just started studying for the GRE. I now have to put letters and other application materials together. I've complied a list of grad schools, but there have been no decisions yet as to where I want to go (fully) with one exception: University of Texas at Austin. It's the #4 program and has incredible funding.

Wish me luck on job endeavors as well. Going through tough financial times, and I hope to be out of it soon, but one can only hope. I've got my application and resume out, I just need some luck, and some more luck! I did hear back for a writing position, so I just need to get a sample out and maybe I'll have something there.

Best of luck to all you out there searching for work, and have a most pleasant day!

Nutrition and Exercise

Hello all,

As you may know, I've been working on my nutrition and fitness for about a year now. I've lost a total of about 10 lbs, and at least 5% body fat. It's been a pretty difficult road so far, much harder than I thought it would be.

The hardest part is the diet. I've reduced my calorie intake and the down. My calorie total consumption comes from 20% fat, 30% protein, and 50% carbs. Believe me, getting that much protein is difficult without making the other numbers sky-rocket! I've got almost all the protein from food, with just a portion coming from food. Reducing the fat is probably the easiest part of it. I cut out cheeses (for the most part) and almost all other dairy products. It has taken me a year just to change the way I eat, and I feel better for it. Not to say that I can't have something "delicious" once in a while, but I just can't be doing it everyday.

I work at a job that doesn't require me to put in a lot of work, I just have to be there. So for the past week or so, I've been looking at ways to eat better. Yesterday I did a huge meal planning session, so now I've got the basic set up of what I'm going to be eating for a while. It's not terribly boring because I've allowed myself to eat as much veggies as I want (not that I want a whole lot mind you, but it increases what I can eat).

For the other portion, I looked at my exercises. I've been going to the gym, but I realized that I'm not doing all that I can (even though going period is better than not going). It just takes time to figure out want needs to be done and adapt. For me, I've got the push going right now. That happens when you spend money on the gym! So now, I've got what I think will help me get to where I want to be. Healthy, full of energy, and easy on the eyes :P

So today's words of wisdom, you are what you eat!